“The One” Doesn’t Exist

“The One” doesn’t exist….at least not for me.  I am being fatalistic, I know.  I know that I can’t determine this and state it as an absolute truth, but this is where I am at.  “The One” does not exist.

I’ve always been optimistic.  Even when I’m outwardly shouting, “This is never gonna happen!” inside I know that there is the possibility of it happening.  Even as I was stating that Bubba would never let me go and behave himself, inside I knew that eventually he would weary of his game and leave me alone for periods of time.  That has actually happened.  I rarely hear from him now.  That is amazing to me.

Even as I was screaming that Luke and I would never get together, I knew he’d eventually come to visit me.  He did and we had an amazing few days. He taught me that sex can be a wonderful thing.  He will always have a special place in my heart, even as I understand that we weren’t meant to be together.

But this is different.  This I feel in my bones.  I will be alone for the rest of my life.  I am screaming it on the outside AND I believe it on the inside.  It is just my reality.  I do not believe that “the one” is out there for me and if he is, he won’t be able to find me.

I’ve given up even praying for him to find me.  I’ve given up praying for God to help me find him.

I’m still on the dating website but I am looking at it as just a way to go out and have fun.  I have a month left on my subscription so I might as well try to go out with as many men as I can until that time.  After that, I can’t justify spending more money to extend my membership.  Child support will not be coming in, so I can’t spend money on myself anymore.

For now, I’m just going to try to collect dates so that I can go out at least once a weekend.  I’m not looking for second dates.  I’m not looking for “The One.”  I’m just looking to get out of the house for a few hours.  If I can’t be alone, I might as well be out being Hope instead of just always being “Mom.”

This is my life and I need to work on accepting it.  I will be doing this alone.  There is no respite, there is no one to “tag in.”

There is only me.

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