My Big Oops!

I pay my bills online.  I’ve discovered the joys of Bill Pay through my bank.  Enter the amount, hit “pay now,” and BAM! I’m done.  Except when I forget to hit the “pay now” on each individual bill.  Apparently, I forgot to hit that when I thought I paid my water bill last month.

Serenity called me while I was at work yesterday to tell me the water wasn’t working.  I couldn’t fathom what happened since I know I paid bills!  I called the water company and that is when I found out I had not hit that damn little button on that particular bill last month.  So, I had to pay a $50 delinquent fee to have it turned back on, plus a $2.50 fee for paying the bill with my debit card on their website.  I tried to explain that it was an honest mistake, I’ve been really good about paying my bills, never missed one until now, and asked for grace for the $50 fee.  I was told no, sorry, we can’t do that.

The other day I had found two pairs of stilettos that fit perfectly, were entirely too comfy, and were buy one, get one 50% off.  I spent $30 on two pairs of shoes for myself and was flying high.  I had no clue where I was going to wear them but I’d at least wear them around the house.

I guess one of those Bad Laws is a little true.  I don’t get Good Things.  I thought Steve was a Good Thing and he just wasn’t.  I know those stilettos were good things but since I had to make up that $50 deficit, the shoes had to be returned.  I couldn’t justify having spent $30 on myself when my mistake cost this family $50.

I know I need to mourn Steve and the lie he presented himself to be.  I know that, but I’m stuck and I can’t.  After I took the shoes back, I got in my car, and sobbed for 15 seconds before I pulled myself together.  It was returning my shoes that started to open the floodgate.  I heard myself say, “Stop it!  You are stronger than this.”  Somehow I’ve taken twenty steps backward and am right back at viewing crying as a huge weakness.

I’m angry at myself for missing the fucking “pay now” button.  I’ve kicked myself up one side and down the other.  I’ve apologized to the kids.  I just can’t help feeling horrible about the waste of that $50.  I’m just angry at myself.

Everything seems like it is piling up on me right now.  I’m just tired and overextended and I need to be alone.  It’s been 10 weeks since Bubba had visitation last.  Ten weeks that I haven’t had any time alone.  Ten weeks of doing it all, being it all.  It looks to be never-ending too since Bubba got fired again and thinks taking his parenting time this summer is optional.

“Oh, I don’t have a job so I won’t be able to take the kids for summer.”  Excuse the fuck out of me, what??????  No!  You don’t get to NOT take them just because you can’t fucking keep a job, asshole.  Yes, I know it is better for the kids if they don’t have to have two months of living with toxic, abusive Bubba, but I need the break.  I’m a better mother when I get a break.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this.  I need that sustained break of two months this summer.  I just don’t know how I’m going to keep going if I don’t get a break.  I think more “oops”s will happen because I just can’t think straight anymore.

I’m at the edge, looking down.  How long until I just fall in?

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