My Big Oops!
I pay my bills online. I’ve discovered the joys of Bill Pay through my bank. Enter the amount, hit “pay now,” and BAM! I’m done. Except when I forget to hit the “pay now” on each individual bill. Apparently, I forgot to hit that when I thought I paid my water bill last month.
Serenity called me while I was at work yesterday to tell me the water wasn’t working. I couldn’t fathom what happened since I know I paid bills! I called the water company and that is when I found out I had not hit that damn little button on that particular bill last month. So, I had to pay a $50 delinquent fee to have it turned back on, plus a $2.50 fee for paying the bill with my debit card on their website. I tried to explain that it was an honest mistake, I’ve been really good about paying my bills, never missed one until now, and asked for grace for the $50 fee. I was told no, sorry, we can’t do that.
The other day I had found two pairs of stilettos that fit perfectly, were entirely too comfy, and were buy one, get one 50% off. I spent $30 on two pairs of shoes for myself and was flying high. I had no clue where I was going to wear them but I’d at least wear them around the house.
I guess one of those Bad Laws is a little true. I don’t get Good Things. I thought Steve was a Good Thing and he just wasn’t. I know those stilettos were good things but since I had to make up that $50 deficit, the shoes had to be returned. I couldn’t justify having spent $30 on myself when my mistake cost this family $50.
I know I need to mourn Steve and the lie he presented himself to be. I know that, but I’m stuck and I can’t. After I took the shoes back, I got in my car, and sobbed for 15 seconds before I pulled myself together. It was returning my shoes that started to open the floodgate. I heard myself say, “Stop it! You are stronger than this.” Somehow I’ve taken twenty steps backward and am right back at viewing crying as a huge weakness.
I’m angry at myself for missing the fucking “pay now” button. I’ve kicked myself up one side and down the other. I’ve apologized to the kids. I just can’t help feeling horrible about the waste of that $50. I’m just angry at myself.
Everything seems like it is piling up on me right now. I’m just tired and overextended and I need to be alone. It’s been 10 weeks since Bubba had visitation last. Ten weeks that I haven’t had any time alone. Ten weeks of doing it all, being it all. It looks to be never-ending too since Bubba got fired again and thinks taking his parenting time this summer is optional.
“Oh, I don’t have a job so I won’t be able to take the kids for summer.” Excuse the fuck out of me, what?????? No! You don’t get to NOT take them just because you can’t fucking keep a job, asshole. Yes, I know it is better for the kids if they don’t have to have two months of living with toxic, abusive Bubba, but I need the break. I’m a better mother when I get a break.
I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I need that sustained break of two months this summer. I just don’t know how I’m going to keep going if I don’t get a break. I think more “oops”s will happen because I just can’t think straight anymore.
I’m at the edge, looking down. How long until I just fall in?