Will I Do This Again?
Why is it that Christians make so much more of sexual sin than we do of any other type? What is it about sex that makes your typical Christian think that is worse than anything else one could do? And why am I listening to the voises that came out of FundyLand? They sound suspiciously like my sister.
And this whole experience leads me to wonder if I won’t do the exact same thing again if I get involved with a man. What is worse: having sex not soon after the relationship starts to see if he changes or waiting until the wedding night and being stuck if he does change?
I guess the first “Will I do this again?” needs to be asked of online dating. I’d cancelled my subscription the day after Steve and I had sex. I was so hopeful that he was the one and I knew I didn’t want to see anyone else that I went ahead and cancelled. I was looking forward to spending the summer with Steve and I just didn’t want to keep my profile up on the dating website.
I’d been off the website for a week when I posed that question to myself. I have just over a month left on my subscription. What do I do with it? Do I let it expire and not try again or do I reactivate and see who else is out there? I looked at it rather like falling off a horse. If you don’t get right back on, you’re more likely to never get back on. The longer it takes, the more fear will be in charge. Yes, I had to reactivate.
When I was going through a search, Steve’s profile came up. It said he’d been active three days ago – the day I broke it off. At first I was upset about this. It surely didn’t take him long to go back, did it? Then a more sinister thought popped into my head. Did he immediately go to see if I was back on the site? Had he been watching me on there, watching to see if I maintained my profile or got rid of it? He had a possessive streak so was he, in fact, monitoring me on there? I guess I’ll never know the answer to that question.
So we come to the “Will I do this again?” part that is about sex? Will I sleep with a man before committing to him to see if he changes after? At this point I can’t see how I can’t do it. I don’t want to add more notches to my proverbial bedpost but neither do I want to wait for marriage, go to bed with my dream guy after our wedding, and wake up to Mr. Hyde in the morning. For many abusers, sex is the switch that flips that makes her his possession. I won’t risk marrying again without giving the man every opportunity to reveal himself. Will I do it after only a month again? I doubt it. The armor plating and force fields are firmly in place again.
Will I do this again? Yes. I will continue to hope that my special someone is out there even as I don’t truly believe it right now.
To have anything less than Hope is simply not who I am.