I Simply Don’t Know

Steve and I finally talked last night.  He apologized for how he handled things.  He was able to tell me that I hurt him.  I was able to tell him that he hurt me.  I apologized too.  We had a good talk but there was so much I didn’t say.  I’m not feeling secure in this relationship at all.

There seems to be so much about me that he doesn’t like.  He mentioned something about our second date, when we were standing in the gazebo, talking.  He mentioned that it was when we were discussing the Bible.  The one thing I remember us talking about was he said, “spare the rod, spoil the child.”  I told him that phrase wasn’t in the Bible, it was from a poem about spanking being using in an adult sexual relationship.

The more I ponder this, the more I think he may be threatened by my intelligence.  He made a few comments last night about him not knowing stuff and it seemed that he was hinting that I seemed to know everything.  There is really nothing concrete there just a hunch on my part.  Also, since I gave in to the voices yesterday and decided not to fight them, I don’t know how much of my perception was off by the voices telling me lies and me not fighting the lies.

Generally, I think it was a good talk.  We’ve agreed that we both need to work on how we handle conflict because we don’t know each other that well yet.  I also get the feeling he isn’t used to women who speak their minds.  He is a product of his culture.  A culture that still believes women are less than.  Only time will tell if he is steeped in this or if he can appreciate me for who I am.

He also made a comment about me flaunting my body to the neighbors.  I don’t remember the context of the conversation but it was very apparent that he still thinks Sean is across the street and I’m showing off for him.  I do remember telling him about my neighbors and he questioned the one I was involved with.  I said, “Oh, he moved in with his girlfriend.  I haven’t seen him in awhile and I don’t care to see him again.”  The comment about flaunting my body really needled me though.  I’m proud of my body; I look good.  I dress to flatter myself and make myself feel good.  I fought too damn hard to overcome hiding every aspect of my womanhood to change how I adorn my body now.

We’ve made plans for Friday night.  He wants to have sex again.  Last night I was in agreement with that.  I slept fitfully last night, chewing over our conversation and playing it again and again in my mind.  I woke up this morning knowing that I can’t sleep with him again.  At least not for awhile.  I don’t feel secure in our relationship.  I’m not sure he really likes me and I’m not sure if I really like him.  We got caught up in infatuation and I need more time to see if we can work through these things or not.

I plan to tell him this evening that I’d like to go out Friday instead of going to his place.  I plan to tell him that I don’t want to have sex right now because I want to get to know him more and that I can’t switch my emotions around so quickly from fighting and being unsettled to jumping back into bed (I’m not going to say it that way though).  I think this conversation will be very telling.

Steve and I are on very shaky ground.  I hear the bell ringer in the distance.  He’s passed by my house for now.

I’m not at all certain he won’t make another round and stop at my place and demand my dead.


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