The Death Knell?

I hear the ringing.  I know it is coming.  “Bring out your dead……bring out your dead.”  Ring, ring, ring.  It feels inevitable that the next stop will be at my house.  The call will come louder and louder, the bell closer and closer.  “Bring out your dead!”  I will carry the corpse of my newly blossoming relationship with Steve out to meet the cart driver.  I will throw the remains of it onto the pile of the other dead relationships in my life.  Steve will join Bubba, Celia, Butch, Jill, Nancy; broken bodies of relationships that have passed.

Steve and I were talking last night and he asked when we could make love without using a condom.  I said, “I don’t know.”  It isn’t something that I’d considered before he posed the question.  He pushed, “Why don’t you know?  I want to feel you.”  I asked him if he’d had a physical since he left his ex-wife.  Safe sex is important to me.  There are too many things out there that can have life-long implications.  I had a full screening after I left Bubba and I want to have another one done since having had sex with Luke and now Steve.  I didn’t get a chance to explain that to him though.  He said Charlie had come into the room and he needed to get him to bed.

Two minutes later I received a text from him.  It was very clear that he was angry that I DARED suggest he might need to be tested when I’m the only woman he’s been with in over two years.  He said that since I’m so worried about him giving me something that we won’t have sex anymore then he said good-night.  I asked if we could talk about this and he didn’t respond.

I’m angry that he didn’t have the balls to talk to me about this on the phone.  Instead he chose to get off the phone and text me.  What?  Really?  I’m angry that I didn’t have a chance to explain myself.  I’m angry that he just ignored me when I asked if we could talk about this.

Will this be the end for us?  I simply don’t know.  We’d just talked earlier about talking through things when they upset us.  I know it isn’t going to be an instant change but wow, less than 5 hours later and he’s just shutting me out again?

I’m going to sit on this and wait for him to contact me.  I will not go to him.  I asked if we could talk about it so the ball is in his court now.  Right now I’m feeling too defeated by everything else in my life to fight this battle.

The voices of the Ghost of Abuses Past has upped the ante and is no longer whispering.  Since having sex  with Steve on Friday, the Ghost has been shrieking at me.  It hisses that I’m bad for wanting sex.  I’m bad for having sex.  I’m terrible for wanting more.  And I’m a slut for giving it up within a month of meeting Steve.

I can’t fight Bubba, Steve, and the Ghosts all at the same time.  I simply don’t have the energy.  Right now I don’t want to fight anyone.  I simply need to survive this day, this hour, this minute.  I feel myself going back into survival mode.  I feel myself withdrawing.  I feel the armor plating and force fields slamming back into place.

Steve no longer feels safe.  My life no longer feels safe.  I opened myself up to him and the world is crumbling around me.

“Bring out your dead.  Bring out your dead.”

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