Feeling Resentful

I’ve had the children without a break for nine weeks now.  Nine weeks!  Seriously.  It is driving me around the bend.  I’m an Introvert.  I need time to be alone.  Specifically, I need time to be alone in my house.  I need to have time to not be responsible for everything and everyone and I’m just not getting it.

I’m starting to feel resentful of the children.  I know it isn’t their fault but they are needy and they fight and I’m about at the end of my ability to cope with meeting their needs because my needs are not being met.  I’m feeling empty and I resent having to take care of them when no one is taking care of me.  I love my children more than the next breath I take but they are driving. me. crazy!

I’m feeling very resentful of Bubba.  What kind of man up and leaves his children and doesn’t even try to see them for nine weeks and now won’t respond to an email about summer visitation.

Oh, that’s right!  I emailed him two days ago about summer visitation.  I want to know how we’re getting the boys to him.  He has yet to answer.  I know he’s going to make this as painful as possible for me because it is still about control.  It isn’t about him wanting to see his kids.  That would be too easy and if he was solely interested in seeing them, he would bend over backwards to work with me to make these plans and make summer visitation happen.  Nope.  Instead he’ll turn this into another power play.

Meanwhile, he gets all the alone time he could want.  He doesn’t have school to contend with, making sure the school stays medication-compliant with Shane, making sure I have transportation for all of their appointments, the everyday caring for three lives.  He has zero responsibility to these children he helped create.  He just walked away.  Bubba left nothing but pain and destruction in his wake and he simply doesn’t care.

I’m resentful of the fact that I have to work.  I know I’ve been trying to work through this one for a long time but every day is a new reminder that I’m not a stay-at-home mom anymore.  Every day I feel a small piece of me die when I walk out that door to go to work.  I’m so thankful for the good, steady job that I have but that doesn’t help the fact that I shouldn’t be doing this.

I signed up for my benefits this morning so as soon as I can get my policy information in the next few days, I’m going to start looking for a counselor.  I hate to take more time away from home but I have to do this.  It’s been nearly a year since I’ve been in counseling and I need to get back into it.  I can’t continue to fight the voices of the Ghost of Abuses Past alone.  I need guidance.  I need help navigating this road, especially now that Steve is in the picture.

Steve is the only bright spot right now.  We’ve weathered a small storm and have agreed to talk and work things out in the future.

I think I just need to go to bed.  For a year.

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1 Comment

  1. Glad you’re going to get counseling soon. Hang in there. Hard not to be resentful when you’re the one doing everything. Just one thing I can think of is maybe a gratitude journal or even making a list on the fridge of everything your thankful for in your life…any positives you can unearth. Not a cure, but sometimes it gets me out of dwelling on the negatives. Hope you get some free time for yourself soon… 🙂

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