I Have a Past



Steve told me this evening that he was upset about seeing a picture on my computer of a man in a bathtub.  I thought about it and couldn’t remember what he was talking about.  I know I never took a picture of a guy in a bathtub before.  He told me to go through the pics I showed him and I’d find it.  So I did.

It turned out to be a photo of David Boreanaz that I’d taken a picture of to text to Serenity when she was with Bubba.  Seeing as texting is the only way we really can communicate, I shared it with her that way.  I’d totally forgotten it got dumped onto my computer when I moved pictures from my phone to my computer.  It just wasn’t important to me and that is why it didn’t register when he said I had that picture.

It seems that Steve has a jealous streak.  We’re going to have to nip this one in the bud or it will kill our relationship very quickly.

The thing is….I have a past.  He does too.  The past is what makes us who we are today.  I had two risque pics of Luke that I deleted about three weeks ago when I realized I was over him.  I simply don’t want them on my computer anymore.  I will not, however, erase the picture of the two of us together right before he left.  I look at that picture and can remember what I learned from his visit.  It was a good time in my life.  It was the first time I had good, consensual sex.  No, I will not delete that picture.  I don’t look at it and sit and think about having had sex with Luke. I see that picture and it reminds me that I learned that sex can be good and respectful.  It reminds me that I learned that “what if” isn’t always answered the way we want but that answers do come.  It reminds me that acceptance is vital.

I have pictures on my computer from that trip to the lake with Sean and his family.  It was less than a month after meeting him.  We weren’t truly even friends then.  But I look at those pictures and remember that, for the first time since becoming a mother, I wasn’t alone in caring for my children.  Sean had my back that day.  He had his eyes on Shane and I got to relax and enjoy the day, knowing that I wasn’t the only responsible adult on duty.  No, I will not delete those pictures because it gave me a glimpse into what a family should actually be like.

My pictures are visual reminders of who I was and who I’ve become.  They are a part of me.  Without those experiences, I wouldn’t be the me I am today.  I do not want to forget that.  I know there will be times that I’m going to need the reminder of the lessons I’ve learned.  Looking back at those visual reminders will call the lessons to the forefront of my brain.  I need that.  It is important to me to never forget where I came from and how I got here.

I didn’t do it alone.  I had help along the way.  The people who’ve helped me have a special place in my heart.  It doesn’t mean I’m in love with Luke or Sean or that I want them.  It simply means that I learned valuable lessons from each one.

Steve has no reason to be jealous.  In fact, without Sean and Luke, I wouldn’t be the woman he is falling for today.  I won’t tolerate jealousy or passive-aggressive comments or plans to pay me back for showing him those pictures.  In fact, if he would show me a picture of a former lover, I’d probably ask him about her and ask what he learned from her.  I’d want to hear about her.  Maybe I’m not normal but I believe that our previous relationships are important.  No, I refuse to share him now but I have no problem with the fact that he has a past.  It’s made him who he is today.

I’m interested in learning the good, the bad, and the ugly about Steve.

I hope he wants to learn about me too.


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