The Mood Persists
This is day two of The Funk. I’ve been busy all day. I slept in until about 6 am. I laid in bed, thinking about Steve for about 30 minutes before I figured I’d be get up and get my chores for the day done.
I got dressed, threw my hair up, and headed to the grocery store. I was home within 45 minutes! Since Steve and I planned to see each other today, I decided to make brownies for him. I also wanted to get dinner made so that the kids would have dinner if I wasn’t at home.
The kids and I spent a good amount of time yesterday cleaning the kitchen. It is looking half decent now and I was happy to be baking again. Well, almost happy. I don’t have a tried and true recipe for brownies. I don’t have a recipe I’m confident about. I decided to try a new Food Network recipe and pray for the best.
I’m making myself crazy about these brownies – about baking for Steve in general. So much of who I am is wrapped up in my baking. What if he doesn’t like my baking? I’d make that chocolate cake for him last weekend and he loved it. I had no reason to believe he wouldn’t also love the brownies.
I wish I could pinpoint why this means so much to me. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that Bubba always had something to say about my abilities in the kitchen and rarely were they ever positive. I didn’t season things enough, I didn’t use enough salt, I over cooked things and under cooked others. Either that or I’d slave over the stove to make what I thought was a wonderful meal and he’d simply refuse to eat it. It made me crazy. No matter what I did, I couldn’t please Bubba with my culinary efforts.
Then I had last summer. I baked all summer. I cooked for myself – things I loved. I heard from my neighbors and friends how amazing my baking was. They loved everything I made. Sean’s face was pure delight any time he tasted anything I made. For the first time in my life, I was confident in my ability to do something amazingly well. Once again, Bubba was proved a liar. It wasn’t my inability to do something well, it was his need to tear me down.
And now, a string of happenings has made it so that I can’t see Steve today. I really think I just need reassurance. After what we shared Friday night, I need to see him, to know he is real. I need to know that I’m important to him. Ugh! When did I become so needy? Why do I feel the need for reassurance. I know better. I know that if he chooses to walk away that it will be his loss. I know that I am worthy of great love.
Endellion said that there are hormones at play here. There are chemical reactions going on all over the place in me right now. I should’ve had that afterglow, that getting to fall asleep with Steve, feeling secure and confident in what we’d just shared. Instead, we’d both had to leave and go back to our children. Life intruded and it couldn’t be just us.
Also there are the hormones that are screaming for more sex! Even though I’m still tender from Friday night, I was so looking forward to having sex with Steve again today. Since I don’t even get to see him today, the idea of sex is out the window. My body is screaming for his. It has been thwarted and is not happy about it.
I’m looking at another long week of work and parenting. I need to put Steve out of my mind until Friday night. I can’t keep going on like this every day. He consumes my thoughts and it is intolerable that he is in my thoughts yet I don’t get to see him.
I know what I need to do. I need to not text him during working hours and limit our contact to the evenings, when I can either talk to him or have his undivided attention. Well, considering he’s always with his son, I don’t think I’ll have his undivided attention until next Friday.
I need to work myself out of this morose mood. Obviously, writing isn’t helping this time. I need to expand my horizons and get back to some of the hobbies I used to love.
Maybe I’ll go watch a movie and veg out on the couch for awhile.