I’m in a mood. I don’t know why. I don’t recognize the mood I’m in. All I know is that I’m out of sorts. I want to do nothing and everything. I’m disgusted by my house. It is impossible to keep clean. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day.
I’m moving slowly today. I’m stiff and sore and certain parts of my anatomy are extremely tender.
I lazed the morning away and it took almost four hours to write a simple 1,300 words. The words are not coming today.
I wish I could name the emotions I feel today. Disappointment? Loneliness? Sadness? The fact is that I simply don’t know. I can’t put my finger on it.
I do know that part of this is about not being with Steve. After last night, it feels wrong to not be with him. I was rereading some of my early posts and I read the one about Intimacy. We had that last night. When he was holding me after we’d had sex, I felt such a connection to him. I knew it would be like that. I knew having sex would take us to a new plane of existence. I was right. We laughed and carried on. We kissed and sighed and held each other.
Then we had to leave; him to get his son and me to get home to my children. It felt like being ripped apart from myself. How did I feel this so quickly for Steve. What is it about him that draws me in, makes me feel joy in his presence? I don’t understand it. But I feel bereft without it today.
And I feel the light bulb going on over my head. I think what I am feeling is burn-out. I haven’t had a break for NINE weeks! I’m looking at another seven before I get another break. Even then, just the boys will go to Bubba for visitation. Serenity will be here with me.
When do I just get to be Hope again? I know it is complicated beyond my children; Steve and I have Charlie to consider too. I want to do what I want to do, including falling asleep and waking up with Steve when I want to. I want to come and go as I please and I can’t. I have to be Mom and be responsible and do all the things.
The burden of being a single parent is weighing heavily on me today. Who is there to take the children to their appointments? My friends. I have to rely on them. I can’t do it myself. Shane is falling down an abyss and I feel powerless to help him because I have to work. I’m no longer a stay-at-home mom who is here for her kids.
And yet, all I want to do is be with Steve. I’ve reached a level of burn-out that is going to quickly become an issue. I feel myself withdrawing from my kids even more. I feel myself pushing them away and resenting their presence in my life. The burden is great and I am alone in it.
I want to run away. I don’t like this mood. I want it to go away now.
I want peace.