“He Only Wants You For Sex.”
That is what the voices of the Ghost of Abuses Past are whispering in my ear. Its voices swirl through my head, wrapping and curling themselves among every thought, insinuating themselves into ever fiber of my being. “He only wants you for sex. He doesn’t see you as Hope, he only sees a willing body for his use. He’ll use whatever pretty words he can to get you into his bed then he’ll leave you. You aren’t worth anything else to him.”
I’m fighting the voices. I’m trying to counteract it with who Steve has shown me he is. “He’s a good man. He uses my name! He sees me as a person not just a body. He’s shown me over the past month that he cares for me – as me – not just a convenient place to gets his rocks off. He’s a good father. A man can’t be selfish and a good father at the same time.”
“Oh, but look how he texts you! Look what he says about wanting you. It’s all about the sex with him. He’ll use you and leave you.”
I counter with, “No! He doesn’t just want sex. He wants to make love. There is a difference. I understand that now, I can see the difference. He wants to please me! He’s shown me NOTHING that means this is all about him. He’s done the opposite, in fact. He’s telling me that he wants to love me like I’ve never been loved before, pleasure me like I’ve never know pleasure before.”
“It’s all a ploy. He’s a skilled liar. All men are. Look at the men you’ve known. Have any one of them shown you differently?”
I stab back, “Not personally, no. But I look at Elrick and how he treats Arcadia. He’s a good man. I see how Jose treats Maria. I watched that man turn his life around when he fell to the depths and how hard he fought to be worthy of Maria again. The changes in Jose haven’t been days or weeks, it’s been years that he’s been working and he is still being that good man he swore to become. No, I’ve never personally experienced it, but I see my friends. I know good men exist.”
“But not for you! You don’t get a good man. You don’t deserve it. God is angry with you for divorcing and you must be punished. You must never experience happiness or joy in this life. You must only have joy in the Lord because that is what He demands. Happiness on this earth is carnal and you must be Holy.”
I know the lie, even as the Ghost whispers it, yet this is the hardest one to battle because this one came directly from my sister Nancy.
“NO! I am God’s precious daughter. I would never delight in my children’s pain, how much more so would God not delight in mine. I know we are not promised happiness on this earth, that we are told to expect pain and suffering for His sake, but not everything has to be pain and suffering. God wants His children to be happy. He’s a Good Father! My divorce caused Him pain because Bubba broke the covenant. Marriage is supposed to be for the rest of your life, but Bubba broke it. God knows the divorce was necessary because there was no marriage. God loves me, his very own precious child, and he sent Steve to me.”
“Steve is as broken as you. He’ll hurt you too. He admits that he wasn’t a good man.”
Aha! Something I can really fight! “Yes, he admits it! He doesn’t try to hide it. He takes responsibility. He doesn’t blame others for his short comings! He may have been broken, but he is healing too! How could I turn him away because he was broken when I know how profoundly more broken I was and I’m finding healing. There is hope for both of us to find even more healing together!”
I am fighting the good fight right now, but this Ghost refuses to give up. This Ghost is persistent and will not stop; it keeps fighting. This makes me question even more why it is so adamant in this attack. I spent last night thinking about this and I think I found a reason for the prolonged attack and the strength of my attacker.
I have a chance at real happiness with Steve. I know that making love to him will cement something in me. The circle of healing that I started alone and that Luke helped me so much with last summer will be completed in Steve’s arms. I see the possibility for that. The Ghost doesn’t want me to heal. The Ghost wants me to stop this journey. The Ghost wants to destroy me – not just my happiness – ME!
The Ghost sees a real threat in Steve and that is why it is fighting so hard to make me doubt, to scare me, to warn me away. The Ghost knows it cannot survive in light and Steve brings light to my life.
I’m terrified by everything that is happening with Steve. It’s been 4 weeks and I’m falling for him. I’m falling hard. Yes, I’m scared and more so by the fact that there is not one little part of me that wants to cut and run! The only running I want to do is into his arms, into his life. I want to run TOWARD him not away. I know, absolutely, that I cannot separate my emotions from sex. It is what tied me to Luke for so long, even if sex with him was inevitable. It had to happen. The question of “What if” demanded an answer. “What if” will never hang over my head again. Luke is past. The flame is out. But I know when I give myself to Steve, with the feelings I have for him now, it will pull me to him further.
I’ve heard people talk about echad before but never really understood it. Sure, it means “One in unity” I know that. I know the definition but I don’t know the concept. I’ve never had echad – that which one is supposed to find in marriage. I see the possibility of having echad with Steve. Yes, that scares me. After decades of knowing only abuse and mistreatment, is it possible that I will be part of One?
It’s early yet but I see the possibilities with Steve. Even as my heart trembles at the idea, it wants to soar. Caution is warranted, yes, but Hope is alive. I will not let fear or the Ghost ruin this for me. I will continue taking steps toward this man in spite of the fear because everything he’s shown me shows that he is worth fighting for.
The Ghost will not win.
- Posted in: As Life Continues - My Story Now ♦ Second Year Divorced
- Tagged: abuse, abuser, abusive dynamic, afraid, bachelor, blame, blaming, dating, deserved, desire, divorce, emotional abuse, Family of Origin, feelings, good man, happiness, healing, Luke, permission, punishment, responsibility, sex, sister, spiritual abuse