The Biggest Baddest
Last night I was knitting, working on the ball I was making for Charlie’s birthday when the voices of Ghosts of Abuses Past started whispering at my ear. They were telling me that Steve will never want me once he knows the Biggest Baddest. He’ll tell me he’s done and can’t do this anymore, that he wants better.
I went in to sit with Shane at bedtime when I just couldn’t take it anymore. I knew I had to see Steve NOW! I had to tell him the Biggest Baddest and know whether he would run away or not. I texted and asked if he could sneak away. He said he couldn’t because Charlie would pitch a fit if he did. Once Steve gets home in the evening, Charlie wants his Daddy home with him and rightfully so. Steve asked if I would go to him because Charlie would be fine with his Gramma for a few minutes while Steve snuck out into the yard to see me. I was on my way as soon as he gave me the address.
When I got there, Steve enveloped me in his strong arms and asked me if I was ok. I nodded my head yes then quickly shook it no. I told him I had to tell him the Biggest Baddest and that I’d understand if he wanted to walk away after. He told me it was going to be ok. So, I took a deep breath and told him.
He held me and said it was ok. He was so afraid that I was going to tell him that I was dying. Actually when I told him I needed to see him, he thought I was going down there to throw him away. He’s as afraid of what is happening between us as I am.
We spent the next 45 minutes talking and kissing. He reassured me that he isn’t going anywhere and I reassured him that I wasn’t going anywhere.
When we were saying good-bye, I told him I had something for him, well, not exactly for him. I leaned into the car and got the ball I’d quickly been able to finish as the Ghosts whispered to me. I’d started out making that ball for Charlie for his birthday next month and ended up quickly finishing it in case I needed it as a good-bye gift. Steve was so pleased with it. He looked delighted that I’d done that for his son. It gives me great joy to give gifts to people I care about. I hope to one day find that same type of joy in receiving gifts.
Today, I’m relieved that the Biggest Baddest is no longer a secret. I no longer have that hanging over my head. Steve is a good man. He seems to have been made just for me. Is this God’s way of giving me a gift?
It seems like something He would do just to watch me be happy.