The Epiphany of a Lifetime

About a week after my first date with Steve, I was talking to Endellion on Skype when my phone signaled a text.  I looked at it and saw Steve’s name.  I smiled and said, “Oh hai!!!” I was quite excited that he texted me that morning.  Endellion and I continued to talk while Steve and I texted.

There was a short lull in texting when my phone signaled again.  I looked down and saw Luke’s name and just said, “Damn!”  Endellion started laughing.  She said, “You should’ve seen the look on your face.  It just completely fell and you looked like a little kid who lost Christmas.”  Oh, the feeling in the pit of my stomach was exactly that.  I didn’t want it to be Luke, I wanted it to be Steve.  Then it hit me.

I didn’t want it to be Luke!  I didn’t want Luke to be the one texting me.  This is huge!  I looked at Endellion and said, “It’s over.  I don’t feel anything for him.  I’m over him.”  It was said with a kind of slack-jawed awe.  I checked my heart where that flame of hope existed and found that it had burned itself out.  I don’t know when but it was not there anymore.  Somewhere along the line I’d come to accept that Luke and I were simply not meant to be together.  And more, I’m perfectly OK with that.

What an epiphany!  Even if things don’t work out with Steve, I know that Luke is not for me.  He will always, always be special to me.  He gave me so much, was so instrumental in my healing.  He showed me that real men aren’t selfish in bed, he opened me up to what pleasures can be found in sex.  I will always love him.   I just understand now that the love I feel for Luke is fondness, friendship, and something special that can’t be defined by mere words.  He was a blessing to me in so many ways and I’m so thankful for the amazing man he is.

Having this all reinforced when I was talking to Peace a few days later about getting that text while I was at dinner with Steve was also a blessing.  I may have started to doubt it had I not had that reaction to that text at dinner.  It’s a wonderful feeling.

I am at peace.

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