Deconstructing the Second Date
When I got home from my date with Steve, I was talking to Peace and she pointed out a few things to me as I was telling her about my evening.
Me: he held me all evening because it was cold, so he had his arm around me. that felt comfortable. i’m not ready to move it further than that.
Peace: well Hope, that is HUGE! that that was comfy to you.
Yes, he had his arm around me when we were talking in the park. It felt right, it felt natural, and I was not freaked out about it at all. I don’t know whether I’m just getting more comfortable with touch or because it was Steve. I strongly suspect it is Steve because I did NOT react like this when Quentin put his arm around me. I froze when Quentin did it. I snuggled in when Steve did it. Yes, this is a huge step for me and I hadn’t even really realized it.
Then I told Peace that Luke had texted me that morning and asked what I was doing for the day. I hadn’t wanted to post much about my dating on Facebook but I’ve been counting down and one of my friends “outed” me on there. I figured I’d treat this just as I do everything else. I started just being matter-of-fact about it. I’m dating. It just is. I told Peace that I told him I was working then I had a second date. He asked what we were doing so I told him we were going for steak. Then I told him I had to get back to work.
Steve and I had just ordered our dinner when my phone vibrated. I looked at it to see if it was one of the kids. No. It was Luke. My first, very fleeting, thought was, “Maybe he is finally texting to tell me that he wants me and doesn’t want me dating.” Less than a split second later, annoyance kicked in. I was very perturbed that he would text me when I was on my date. I just ignored the text and pretty much forgot all about it until I was talking to Peace.
We were talking about my initial reaction and why that would be my initial reaction. Then why would I just be annoyed with him? I said to her, “I think I just realized I’m over him.” Even thinking that he could’ve been texting to tell me he loved me and wanted me did not bring joy with it. It brought feelings of too-little-too-late with it. I also told Peace that I’d been texting with Steve last weekend when Luke texted. I saw his name pop up on my phone and said, “Damn!” because it wasn’t Steve. Endellion and I had been talking on Skype and she started laughing. She said that she wished I could’ve seen my face because it was just sheer disappointment, especially while saying, “Damn!” I told her why I’d said that and she thought that was very telling. When you couple that reaction with not even being the least curious to look at Luke’s text while on my date, I think it is safe to say that I’m just over him. (I’ll get more into this in a few days.)
I decided to finally read the text, over four hours after it was sent. It said simply, “Have a good time tonight. Enjoy your steak.”
It strikes me as a little surreal when someone you’ve fucked is wishing you a good time on your date. I’m very thankful that I realized I was over him before I read that text. It would’ve been very hurtful to still have feelings for him and to know he was wishing me a good time with another man. It also reinforces that he feels nothing for me beyond what we have. I’m ok with that, because I’m over him and can accept that he was not meant for me. He will always be an amazing friend and have a very special place in my heart, but that is all it will ever be.
I had two big things happen in one night. I was comfortable with a man I’ve known for just over two weeks putting his arm around me and I realized that I’m over Luke all in the same night. This was a HUGE night! I had a good time with a wonderful man and I felt comfortable in his arms. I realized I’m over the “one who got away.” I’m ok!
Things are looking up.