Steve and I have been eagerly anticipating our second date all week. Friday dragged along at a snail’s pace and I thought 5 p.m. would never arrive. We were randomly texting each other how many hours and minutes were left until we got to see each other.
When 5 p.m. rolled around, I flew out of work. I was home in under five minutes (when it usually takes me about three minutes just to get to my car). I had to shower, fix my hair, put a touch of make-up on, and get dressed. I was ready in about 40 minutes! I can laugh now because Bubba always accused me of being high-maintenance. Considering I took my time getting ready, I don’t think taking 40 minutes to get ready for a second date would actually be considered “high-maintenance.” It was just another confirmation that Bubba twisted reality. It takes me about 20 minutes to get ready for work each day. I just don’t fit the definition of “high-maintenance” at all.
I even had time to get a picture and send it to some friends. I wore a flirty skirt, a clingy shirt, and my stilettos! I debated about what jacket to wear and decided on a light sweater. I looked at my picture and just couldn’t believe how amazing I looked! For me to be able to see myself as beautiful and sexy still seems so foreign to me.
I was about a mile from the restaurant when I felt a panic attack coming on. I quickly called Endellion because all I could think was, “Why am I doing this? What am I doing? He’s going to see how fucked up I am and he’s going to run.” Endellion talked me through it. It was just Bad Laws and it was understandable that I was freaking out. But so far, Steve had been nice and had given me no reason to think he would run. I took some deep breaths and reached into those deep places of myself where my strength resides and I stopped the full blown panic that threatened. Steve called right then to let me know he was there already and since there wasn’t a wait, he was outside, waiting for me.
When I pulled in the parking lot and saw him standing there, the last vestiges of panic evaporated. They simply disappeared like fog in the sun. I saw his smile and realized that, for that evening at least, we would have fun and enjoy each other’s company. Tomorrow will take care of itself and I will simply enjoy being with this man for however long this lasts.
We had a wonderful dinner. The steak was so delicious, the conversation was easy and natural, the company felt right. After we were done eating, neither of us wanted to end the date. He asked if I wanted to go walking at the park. We had two to pick from, one closer to where we were and one closer to my house. He said he’d prefer the one closer to my house because it was more convenient for me. Part of me bristled because I’m not a woman who needs cossetting. But then, the part of me that *wants* to be cossetted kicked in and I agreed. I know this is a battle that I will have to fight – the feeling shame at wanting to be pampered and cared for – but today is not that day.
Since he wasn’t exactly sure where it was, he followed me. As soon as I got in the car, I kicked off my stilettos and said to myself, “I’m walking barefoot because there is NO way I’m walking around the park in those shoes.”
When we got out of our cars and started walking, he slipped his hand into mind. He has large hands but mine seemed to fit perfectly with his. I had the impression that it felt much different than holding hands with Bubba ever did. It isn’t something I would’ve recognized before Steve actually held my hand. I’d never thought of holding hands with Bubba before now. I was constantly holding his hand but it was always me reaching for Bubba’s hand. It never seemed to be his idea. Even in holding hands, it always felt like he had a firm grip on me. I can see now that it was either stress or control on Bubba’s part but he never felt natural holding my hand. It was almost like he was trying for dominance, even in simply holding hands. When Steve slipped his hand into mine, there was no pressure, no firm hold, it simply felt good.
We walked around the pond twice. Then we stood in the gazebo that overlooks the pond and talked for about an hour. When we stopped to look at the water, he put his arm around me and I snuggled into his side. To my amazement, I seemed to fit perfectly there and I was comfortable there. Since it was chilly out, I was thankful for his warmth. He did move behind me at one point to massage my shoulders and it was all I could do not to moan in delight. I have truly been starved for physical touch so having it felt wonderful.
We talked about so many things. At one point, I actually threw back my head and laughed at something he said. We talked about getting busted by the cops while parking as teenagers (my boyfriend and I had just gotten there when the cops showed up, him and his girlfriend were already “bare-assed nekkid” when he got busted), our kids, how we’ve changed over the years, lessons we’ve learned, and then the subject of spanking came up.
I knew this topic would arrive. I told him about the two times I tried spanking Shane and how awful it was. He said he’s swatted his son on his butt but he feels so awful about it. I told him simply that parenting shouldn’t make us feel like that. I told him that I will never hit my children, that it isn’t ok with me. That led into the conversation turning to Ephesians and submission. He started talking and I raised my eyebrow at him. He said, “What?” I said, “Do continue. I really want to hear where you’re going with this.” Inside I was a quivering mess because I knew that if he believed in Wife-Only Submission, I’d have to immediately say good-bye to him and I really didn’t want that to happen.
He fully believes that men and women should be submissive to one another. That marriage is about both people putting the other first and working hard to make the other one happy over themselves. He said that we are called to be submissive to each other. Whew! I was really concerned there and from what he said last night, he believes in equality in a marriage.
We finally decided that we needed to get home to our children. Neither of us wants to wait an entire week before we see each other again. We decided that we’d sleep on it and decide the next day when to see each other again. I know he has a busy weekend scheduled but I’m hoping that he can get out again tonight to spend some time with me. I hate to leave my kids two nights in a row but I really want to see him again. I’ve put my children first for so long that I think taking some time to myself is acceptable now.
I really like Steve. It’s entirely too early to think that this will lead to anything permanent but for now, I’m enjoying my time with him.
I just genuinely enjoy his company.