Love Languages

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a wonderful book that has helped me connect more closely with my children.  Since they are so young, I try to make sure I cover the bases since their Love Languages (LL) seem to change as they grow.

The five love languages are:  Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.  These five are pretty self explanatory.  Even though I know what my LL is, I decided to take the test again to see what would come up.

3 Words of Affirmation
8 Quality Time
0 Receiving Gifts
7 Acts of Service
12 Physical Touch

It is still pretty much the same as it has always been.  I am a huge physical touch girl, which brings about many issues because I’m still afraid of physical touch.  It takes a long time for me to feel comfortable being touched, especially by a man.  I crave it and dread it all at the same time.  I have a date with Steve on Saturday and once again, I don’t know how to approach this subject.  We’ve texted a bit about it and I get the feeling he’s as leery of touch right now as I am.  I’m trying not to stress about it too much.

I’m taking a different approach to this date.  I’m not going to announce beforehand that I am only ok with a handshake.  We’ve discussed our height difference (he’s about a foot taller than me) and the fact that I’ll be wearing flats because Serenity requires me to wear shoes I can run in, just in case.  He joked that he’ll wear his running shoes just in case he is the one who has to run.  He then promised that I’ll be in the hands of a gentleman.  I’m curious to see how this plays out.  From our texting, I get the feeling that he is a good, old-fashioned, Southern gentleman.  We will see.

Back to the LL.  Endellion and I were discussing them last night and we’ve come to the conclusion that when your LL is used as a weapon against you, that aspect of it hurts more than anything else.  Physical Touch is like air to me.  I need it and I simply don’t have it right now.  Last night all I wanted to do was curl up with someone and fall asleep in his arms.  I simply wanted to be held and loved.  I wanted to feel a man stroking my arm as we drifted off to sleep, curled around one another.  I think back to when Luke was here and it felt so right to fall asleep in his arms.  I want that feeling every night.  Yet, physical touch terrifies me because it was used as such a weapon against me. 

This is one more thing that I need to work through and I think that is why I’m not saying anything to Steve beforehand.  His texts have been respectful, nice, and funny.  I want to give it a chance to see who he really is without putting a restriction on him.  I also realize that it isn’t realistic to to tell another person who I suspect has the same LL that touching is completely off limits.  I want to see if he pays attention to me and my cues.

Let’s discuss gifts.  As you see, I scored 0 on Gifts.  I love, absolutely love, giving gifts.  I love watching someone’s face light up when I’ve given them something unexpected.  Last weekend, Arcadia and I went to a moving sale.  I bought a dvd tower for Rose.  She’d been over at my house about a month ago and asked where I’d gotten mine.  She said that she was going to get one someday.  Well, when I saw that tower at the moving sale, I had to buy it for her.  When I got home, I walked across the street and gave it to her.  I was literally bouncing because I was so excited to give it to her!  She loved it!

On the flip side I hate, absolutely hate, receiving gifts.  You see, Bubba used to hurt me with gifts.  Gifts from Bubba always came with a price and I had to pay it.  Last summer a friend gave me a few gifts.  When we had a falling out over a huge misunderstanding, she threw the gifts back in my face.  That was devastating to me.  Learning to accept help and receive gifts had been tough before that and I’d been getting better at it until she did that.  Now I feel like I’m back at square one with that issue.

I’m interested to see if my LL profile changes once I’m in a committed relationship.  I’ve been so deprived of any LL for so long that I wonder if I’m going to just bask in all of them.  My love tank has been empty for years.  That makes me wonder if that has something to do with how much I bonded with Luke and Sean.  They both offered me physical touch and it gave me the feeling of having my love tank filled a bit.  Having that ripped away from me both times has contributed to the feelings of loss I’ve experienced after they both left.

My fingers actually itch to touch someone.  I feel them tingly with the need to just feel skin and hair.  I want to stroke down a man’s bare chest.  I want to feel the quiver in his belly when I run my fingers over the skin there.  I want to feel that sensation of feeling soft skin and rough hair at the same time.  Touching a man is like a feast for my hands.  Luke’s chest was delightfully covered with hair.  I loved touching his chest.

As time with Sean wore on and I became more comfortable touching and being touched, one of my small pleasures was touching his forearms.  Forearms are my favorite part of a man’s body.  Sean had really nice forearms.  They were finely muscled and covered in sandy blonde hair.  Even when I just brushed my fingertips over his arms, I could feel the power in them.

I miss touch.  I need touch.  I need to get over my fear of physical touch because I know it is only keeping me caged.  It is another fear that holds me back from truly living my life.  I’m a very touchy-feely person and I need to work through this so I can embrace who I truly am.  Denying this most basic part of me is like holding my breath.  If I do it too long, it will be the end of me.

And I really know I need to work through this because just writing the above paragraph was enough to have the panic attack rising from the depths of my chest. I will fight through this, just as I’ve fought through everything else. 

That’s what I do.

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