“You Didn’t Know?”

The other night, I had a complete and total breakdown about Sean.  It was right after he was home for an afternoon with his girlfriend – after that first glimpse of him in what feels like forever.

Endellion and I were on Skype and I was sobbing.  I’m finally, finally letting the tears come.  I’m not giving him my tears, I’m giving them to me.  I need to mourn this.

All of a sudden I had a terrible thought.  I looked at Endellion and said, “Please, please, please tell me I wasn’t in love with him.”  She responded with, “You didn’t know?”  Know what?  Holy shit!  Was I really in love with Sean?

The answer is that I simply don’t know.  I think there was too much angst and frustration there for it to have been love.  I can now admit that he was more than a friend; but love?  I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around that.

Yes, I wanted to spend time with him.  Yes, I enjoyed his company.  Yes, he made my body sing.  But love?

I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with him.  I didn’t want to deal with all of his shit.  I didn’t want to live with all of his issues.  I just don’t think what I felt for him was love.

Endellion’s question really shook me up.  I am really terrified to even consider that I may have fallen for him.  I think I need to differentiate between wanting to have sex with him and being in love with him.  I definitely wanted to have sex with him.  And after much thought and debate, I do not think I was in love with him.

I know that I let him into my world.  I know that somewhere along the line he started to feel safe to me.  I know that he got to see more of me and my vulnerabilities than I ever wanted him to see.  I know that there were times that I needed him.

I don’t think all of those things equal being in love with someone.  I learned a lot from Sean and for that I’ll be thankful.  I learned that I can open myself up to a man again and that he won’t physically hurt me.  I learned how important real communication is with a man.  I learned that it is ok to be open and vulnerable with a man (ok, this is one I’m still working on but I do have a better understanding of it than I did before I met Sean).

I also know that I will be guarding my heart more carefully in the future.  I need to chose wisely who I share myself with.  I simply don’t know how I’d stand to go through another break-up like this one.  Even breaking up with a friend is hard.  Saying good-bye to someone who has become important to you is hard.

And as I sit at my kitchen table, I’m very sad that I will never again hear him open my door and question, “Hope?  Where are you?”  I’ll never again call him when I’m sobbing (or have Endellion do it for me) and need to be held.  I’ll never again hear him say, “Honey…” in that thick Southern drawl that becomes so pronounced when he’s aroused (and I think this is the one that is hurting the most tonight).

Mourning is hard work.

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