More Bad Laws
Sean has been gone for a week now. I strongly suspect he moved in with his girlfriend. As much as I’ve talked to his mother, Rose, in the past week, I haven’t asked her and I won’t. I don’t want it getting back to Sean that I’ve asked about him.
Today, as I was cooking dinner, Serenity looked out the window and said, “He’s back! His girlfriend’s car just pulled in and they’re both getting out.” I, of course, had to run over to the window for a glimpse of him. BIG MISTAKE! He looks good. He’s lost weight. I watched him walk into the house, turned around, and realized that all I wanted to do was go have a good cry. I miss him so much that I ache.
I got through dinner and got Shane to bed. Steve and I were supposed to talk but he said his son wasn’t feeling well so they were just going to go to bed. I sat with Shane long after he’d fallen asleep, wondering how I was going to get through the night without completely breaking down. I just don’t want to shed any more tears over Sean.
I was typing to Endellion, trying to make sense of why I’m so hurt by this and we discovered some more Bad Laws that are written in me.
Bad Law #8: I’m not worthy of sex. Sean turned down my friends-with-benefits (FWB) proposal yet he’s apparently living with his girlfriend. Dollars to doughnuts, they’re having sex. I asked Endellion,”Is he giving to her what he refused to give to me?” Lie.
Truth -I’m worthy of MORE than FWB with someone and Sean recognized that. I’m a woman of worth therefore, to Sean, it wouldn’t have been just sex, it would’ve been making love. He told me that directly. He wanted ALL of me, not just my body. If he is having sex with his girlfriend, it is because he doesn’t require the same level from her that he wanted from me.
Bad Law #9: I’m not supposed to hurt. We weren’t in a relationship so I shouldn’t hurt. Lie.
Truth -Whatever it was, Sean and I were in a relationship and now that relationship is gone. I am supposed to hurt because the ending of any relationship hurts. I think this is tied in to a previous Bad Law because again, I’m not supposed to feel what I feel.
Bad Law #10: Women shouldn’t want sex. If a woman wants sex and asks for it, she is low class and a slut. Lie.
Truth -Wanting sex, needing sex, is a human drive. I am a human and I desire sex and relationship. It is normal to want to connect with another human on that level.
Bad Law #11: I’m not desirable. I’m short, therefore, all I will ever be is “cute.” Lie. (This one is going to be really hard to rewrite.)
Truth -According to Endellion, I have a dynamic energy, I can put on a flirty skirt and my stilettos and I am sexy. I am sexy because I bake and cook. Then she said, “Look at the two big cats who live in you! Cats are sex symbols. It says a lot that you picked cats.” The thing is, though, that I didn’t pick Fluffy and Purity. They were just there. They just showed up, having lived in me without my knowledge or consent. Endellion said that is what makes it even more telling. My subconscious picked cats, so somewhere deep in me, I do see myself as sexy.
I have a lot of rewriting to do. I simply can’t see that Sean wanted me or could miss me now. Endellion tried to tell me that he wouldn’t have been in my bed if he didn’t want me. She also said that him losing weight shows a lot. She said happy men don’t lose weight, sad men do. She seems to think he moved right on to the next thing that came along because he knows he messed up and is mourning me as much as I’m mourning him. He just found a rebound to deal with pain.
The fact is that Sean is lost to me forever. Even if he breaks up with her and comes back, I wouldn’t touch him with a 10 foot pole now. I won’t repeat previous mistakes and I won’t trust that he’d all of a sudden be the man I need him to be. There is also this thought in me that what we had is now tainted by her. I deserve more. Once again, I mourn and find a way to move on. I try not to look across the street at the empty parking space is where his truck should be. I don’t run to the window for a glimpse of him the next time he comes around.
I cry. I mourn. I move on.