Rewriting Bad Laws

Endellion has been struggling in the past week with some really Bad Laws that she was taught by her mother and her soon-to-be-ex-husband.  Endellion’s and my life parallel each other in many ways and the Bad Laws are another thing we have in common.

The Bad Laws that she spoke to me about today are as follows:

Bad Law #1:  I’m socially inappropriate.  Lie.

Truth – My therapist, my friends, and men have indicated or said that I AM socially appropriate.

Bad Law #2: My perceptions are untrustworthy.  Lie.

Truth -I can trust my perception. I have perceived most things correctly. The people who claimed that were lying about what they had said and done.

Bad Law #3: I can expect to fail at relationship because most people are not healthy.  Lie.

Truth -The majority of people are far healthier than I have realized, and the majority of relationships function on a healthy level for an astonishing period of time. Most people want the reciprocity that healthy relationship brings, and will naturally try to work towards that.

To her Bad Laws, I add my own:

Bad Law #4: I am responsible for making and keeping everyone around me happy.  Lie.

Truth -It is not my job to make everyone happy.  Each person is responsible for his/her own feelings.

Bad Law #5: I have to put everyone else before myself. Lie.

Truth -I am important enough to put myself first – there is a balance.  Sometimes my children need to come first, sometimes my friends need to come first, and sometimes, I need to come first.

Bad Law #6: I have no rights to personal boundaries.  If I have boundaries, I am cruel.  Lie. 

Truth -Boundaries are healthy.  Boundaries keep us safe.  Boundaries are not about being cruel to other people because boundaries are not about controlling others, but ourselves.

Bad Law #7:  Being proud of yourself and your accomplishments is conceited and you should always tell people that it was really no big deal.  Lie.

Truth -I’ve done some amazing things since I left Bubba that I should feel damn proud of!  I got a 4.0 during that semester of college while going through a nasty divorce and being a single-mom to three very traumatized children.  I’ve gone from being a stay-at-home-mom to getting an awesome job that allows me to support myself and my kids regardless of whether Bubba does or does not pay child support.  I write a blog about my life that inspires people!  And I did it all without a husband or blood relatives to help me.  I’m blessed to have had amazing friends walk this journey with me but when push came to shove, *I* did it.

Endellion and I have a lot of rewriting to do.  It isn’t a matter of just realizing, “Hey!  These are Bad Laws and they don’t apply to me anymore.”  It is a matter of rewiring our entire brains.  These Bad Laws have been so ingrained in us that, even though we are fighting them tooth and nail, the Ghosts of Abuses Past pop up to whisper in our ears these lies, trying to maintain that they are truth.  We’ve had decades of knowing these Bad Laws as truth to fight against.  Now that we know Truth, we will fight for it but it sometimes takes ever fiber of who we are to counteract the whisperings.

The thing is, though, that we WILL fight the voices.  We WILL rewire our brains.  We are strong women.  We now know Truth and its light is shining for us.  We WILL make life better for our children.  We won’t allow the Bad Laws to keep root in their brains.  We are actively working to dig the roots out and replace them with Truth.

There is hope for us and even more hope for our children.

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8 Comments

  1. Abuse sucks…plain out and simple. Things other people take for granted…people who have dealt with abuse have to learn about. I talked with my therapist about something and what I wanted out of future relationships…he said that’s how it normally should be. Normal…to have opinions and be able to speak up without fear of someone getting angry. Saying what’s on my mind instead of keeping my mouth shut. It’s going to take a while…hard to undo almost a quarter of a century of a life the opposite way.

    • I know. I look at normal interactions now and am simply boggled that this is a way of life for some people. I thought my experience was the “normal” one so to see healthy couples simply blows my mind.

      I’ve learned that I don’t want anything spectacular as I always felt like I was shooting for the moon. I simply want healthy. That’s it. And no, it isn’t too much to ask for. All those years I really believed it was just too much to ask and hope for. Now, I will settle for nothing less.

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