An Alternate Reality

Endellion and I were talking today and we are both leaning heavily on the fatalistic side of life.  I’m convinced I’ll never find “the one” and she’s convinced that if she finds “the one,” he will decide her shit is too much to deal with and he’ll leave her.  Yes, we are really bad off.

Then one of us said something about what it would be like had we not left our abusers.

Me:  I would be helping my children through their third move in under two years.  Yet again, I’d be dealing with packing and moving and finding a new place to live while holding crying children.  I would be alone to deal with all of their big feelings because they’ve never shared with Bubba how devastating it is for them to move.  They know the only answer they’d get would be, “FINE!  I’ll quit my job, we’ll move back, and be poor forever!”  Then he’d stomp away because they dared insult him.  I know this would happen because it happened with every move we ever did.

Endellion:  I’d be at least 70 pounds heavier than I am now and I’d possibly be pregnant.  There is no way I could’ve lost this weight when I was living with my ex.  There is no way I’d not be pregnant because my life was defined for me by him.  I was the mother and that meant having babies, even if it killed me.

Me:  I would still be overweight, more so than I was before I left because I’d still be comfort eating all the time.  I’d still be in intense physical pain.  I’d still have migraines 4-5 times a week.

Endellion:  Actually, I’d probably be dead by now.  His abuse was really escalating at a rapid pace when he finally punched me and I’d left.  If I’d gone back to him, he would’ve continued escalating and he would’ve killed me.

Me:  I would still be being raped on a regular basis.

Endellion:  I wouldn’t be in school right now.

Me: I wouldn’t have had amazing sex with Luke last summer.

Endellion:  My kids wouldn’t be in school and getting the help they need.

Me: We’d both still be abused wives.

Endellion:  No matter how bad it is for us now, it is STILL better than being married to them was.

Amen!!!!  Our lowest lows now are higher than our highest highs were when we were with those men who hurt us.  The alternate reality we’d be living in right now had we stayed would be hell on Earth.  We lived that hell.  We escaped it.  I think we lose sight of how bad it was, even as we process all the shit that came out of it.  I think we get so focused on what is going on in our lives now, listening to the Ghosts of Abuses Past that we lost sight of how far we’ve come, how much healing we’ve done, and how truly blessed we are to be free now.

It was worth everything we went through to get to where we are now.  I’m in a very cynical season right now.  I’m tired and discouraged and listening too intently to the Ghosts.  Tonight’s game of Alternate Reality has helped.

I think this is a game that Endellion and I are going to have to start playing on a regular basis to remind each other of how far we’ve come.

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4 Comments

  1. Amen!!!! I would be depressed, blaming myself, begging him to take his meds and make an appointment with the psych AGAIN, begging him to WAKE UP and help me with the kids, living like a single mother anyway, walking on eggshells and dealing with accusations of me hating him, finding MORE porn on the computer, and getting raged at every time he spent his agreed upon personal money in 3 days. Getting my heart broken every time he promised to change and then didn’t.

    • It is so easy to imagine our alternate reality because it would just be what we lived but more so because abuse always escalates.

  2. tryingtodogood

    I still keep re-hashing the incidences in order to prove (or disprove) to myself that I’m not crazy. But when I read the part where he said, ” “FINE! I’ll quit my job, we’ll move back, and be poor forever!” it struck a chord with me. When my husband took a job out of state and I begged him not to do it, he said if he didn’t that we’d end up living a trailer with nothing. I realize now that this was to scare me so I wouldn’t press the issue, meant to threaten me with poverty! It, along with many other tactics, did the job. We left everything, including my hard-won support system, behind to follow yet another of his jobs. He justified it with how he was the sole provider, but I told him often that I would work if needed. He had me over a barrel, or so I believed. I am going to work on my own list of lies I believed, and my alternate reality of what it would be like if I left. I am so scared of not having anyone and being lonely 😦 and being dirt poor.

    • Not having anyone, being lonely, and being dirt poor are all so much better than living with Bubba. Those are the same things I was afraid of. The Lonelies strike all the time and it is HARD to get through them. But living in safety every day, knowing that I won’t be questioning my sanity after one of our conversations, knowing that there will be no “punishment” at the end of the day for whatever Bubba had decided I’d done wrong is so worth it.

      I was always terrified of leaving (or him leaving me) and trying to do this on my own. The fear of staying with him finally was greater than the fear of leaving and that is the only reason I got out. I was more afraid to stay than to leave.

      I don’t mind not having anyone because my friends are wonderful support for me, I get through The Lonelies, and even being poor and knowing it is MY money and that it won’t just disappear one day is priceless. I am more financially stable now (even with so little money) than I ever was when Bubba was making a 6 figure income.

      I’m so much better on my own than I ever was with Bubba. I just wish I could’ve seen this 10 years ago.

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