Very Discouraged

I’m tired.  I’m lonely.  More and more, I’m convinced that this is all my life will ever consist of.

I’m angry that once again Bubba seems to be living the high life.  He’s moved yet again and now he’s in a place that will make him seeing the kids on any kind of regular basis simply impossible.  He was in a place that we could do the long drive and he could see the kids once a month and he chose not to take that.  Now that visitation will involve air travel, I fully expect him to drop out of their lives.

My main worry right now is summer vacation.  He is supposed to have them for Spring Break this year but is not taking them because well, I don’t know the real reason.  I can speculate that it is too much of what he would need to do to get them and he’s selfish enough to not want to go out of his way to get them there.  I was looking forward to having a break and now I don’t get it.  I’m terrified that he won’t take them for summer either.

I’m really angry that Bubba just up and moved without making an effort to see his kids.  It would’ve added 5 hours of driving time to his trip when he moved to come and visit them for a couple of days.  Five fucking hours!  Instead of making his children a priority, he decided to tell Liam and Shane while driving that he’s moving.  He gave them no advance warning, didn’t see them before he moved, then told them there was no way for him to have them for Spring Break.  Shane was devastated!  He had been looking forward to spending a week with his dad.

Shane’s behavior at school has been steadily deteriorating.  I’ve gotten bad reports from his teacher everyday since last week.  I emailed her today to see when this round of defiant behavior began.  I think that it was right after Bubba told them he moved.

Serenity was downright nasty to me over the weekend.  She screamed horrible things at me on Sunday and when we talked about it Monday, she ended up breaking down and sobbing for an hour.  She feels totally abandoned by Bubba.  As much as she understands what he is like, he still broke her heart moving that far away from her.  Like any girl, she just wants her daddy to love her.  Over and over again, she gets her hopes up and over and over again, he dashes them.  She continually gets her heart broken by that selfish man.

Liam is angrier than ever.  He torments Shane mercilessly.  His aggression is through the roof.  I’m praying that a lot of it is his age and the fact that he is smack in the middle of puberty.

Not only are the behavior problems a huge issue, we lost Medicaid because between what I make and child support, I no longer qualify for the kids to be on Medicaid.  Right when they need their counselor the most, the kids can’t see her.  Bubba tells me that he’ll have insurance information this week.  I’m applying for state health insurance for the kids but don’t know if we’ll qualify.

There is also the issue of child support.  Bubba didn’t willingly pay.  His wages were garnished by his state.  Now that he’s moved I need to call my state to find out what I have to do to get his wages garnished in his new state.  I’m looking at another 90 days of not having child support.  I’m looking at living in poverty again.

I’m trying not to worry about the future, but if he doesn’t pay child support now, my savings will dwindle.  If he doesn’t take them for summer, I’ll have to find full-time care for Shane and that will financially devastate me, especially if my savings is depleted because of lack of child support.  I want to be independent and not rely on Bubba for anything.  The fact is that I need him to pay child support and I need him to take the kids for the summer.

I’ve been sending out emails on the dating website I’m on and no one has responded.  I want a partner, I can see myself opening up to the idea, and I feel supremely unwanted.  I just feel like there is no one out there for me.  I’m feeling like I’m doomed to be on my own for the rest of my life.  In the back of my head, I hear my sister Nancy’s voice telling me this is my punishment for leaving Bubba, for getting a divorce.  I hear her saying this is God’s punishment for defying Him and getting a divorce.  I hate that I hear her voice in there but I don’t know how to cut it out.  I know the God I worship is not the one Nancy worships.  I know God is full of grace and mercy and wants to see His children happy.  Nancy’s god seems to delight in punishing his children and watching them squirm like worms on hooks.  That is not the God of the Bible.  That is not the God of love and grace.  I just can’t override those voices right now.

I also unfriended Sean on Facebook last night.  He’s been gone for a few days and I’m wondering if he’s finally just moved in with his girlfriend.  Something of his popped up in my newsfeed last night so he’s accessing FB from somewhere.  I had him on my restricted list and popped over to his wall a few days ago to see if he’s added his girlfriend to his relationship status yet.  There was a picture of them at a Valentine’s Day function.  Then my eye caught a picture of him and his last girlfriend there too.  I became very thankful that I wasn’t in that string of pictures.  For some reason, having him as a FB friend suddenly became intolerable to me.  Impulsively, I unfriended him.  Then I went to my room and sobbed.  I was hoping to just cry myself to sleep but I was just too upset to sleep after that.  Sleep was a long time coming last night.  I knew unfriending him was the right thing for me to do, but it broke my heart all over again.

The irony is that I was so convinced that I would be the one who hurt Sean, yet it is me who is pain over losing him.  He’s moved on; he has a girlfriend.  I miss him horribly.

I’m tired.  I’m discouraged.  I just want time off and I know I’m not going to get it any time soon.

I just want to go back to bed and cry, yet I know that won’t help.

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