Serenity

I really, really hate Bubba today.  He has left nothing but destruction in his wake and he doesn’t know or care about it.

A little over a week ago, Bubba called Serenity to let her know he was moving to the other side of the country in TWO days.  That is the great warning he gave before he up and left his children.  He didn’t tell Liam and Shane until after the fact.  Never once did he say anything to me about it.  He didn’t email and say, “Hey, I’m moving far enough away that monthly visits will not happen and I’ll probably not be able to see the children except at holidays or extended breaks.  Can I come to town and see them this weekend?”  Nope.  Nothing.  He just up and left without saying good-bye to his kids!  He didn’t find them to even be important enough to tell in person or in advance.

On Sunday, Serenity got angry at me for inviting Liam to watch a movie with us.  Instead of explaining her reasons for being angry, she chose to blow up, and verbally abuse me.  She screamed “Bite me!” at me, screamed for me to “get the fuck out of my room!” and a few other lovely expletives.  Honestly, it felt like Bubba had taken her over.  I’ve seen some major attitude from Serenity in the past but never have I seen her go off the deep end like that.

We tiptoed around each other for the rest of the day and at lunch yesterday.  I was still too stunned and angry to want to talk to her.  She was still too angry and embarrassed at her behavior to talk to me.  When I got home from work yesterday, she asked me if we could talk about what happened once the boys were in bed.  I said, “No!  We’re going to just ignore each other for a few days then pretend like it never happened.  We’re going to bury this so far down that neither of us will ever acknowledge that it happened or that it hurt our relationship.”  She just looked at me with a huge smile on her face.  She knows this is the MO of my Family of Origin (FOO) and she knew that I was trying to lighten the mood.  Then I told her that, of course, we were going to talk about it and that I was just waiting until we both had had enough time to cool down before doing so.

We talked a bit about why she was so angry.  We both explained our sides of the argument.  I apologized for what I’d done and she apologized for what she’d done.  We decided to go ahead and watch our movie together.

Serenity asked to sleep in my room with me.  I told her she could.  As we were getting all settled in, I told her that it was easy to make up this time but if she chose to act like that toward me again, it would hurt our relationship and we may not be able to get back to where we’d been without massive work.  She took that to mean that she is a horrible person and ran out of the room.  I heard her sobbing in her room and texted for her to get back in my room.  We talked for another hour and so much came out of her that I’d suspected but she hadn’t confirmed yet.

She is deeply angry at Bubba for moving even while she is happy that she doesn’t have to see him again any time soon.  She feels a keen sense of abandonment.  She is afraid I’m going to leave her too.  She desperately wants a dad who loves her.

Serenity feels like everyone leaves her.  Since I’ve been working, I haven’t had time to visit with my friends.  Arcadia and Hannah rarely come over any more because I’m not here.  She misses them as much as I do.  She feels like I’ve left her since I work so much and I’ve gone on two dates.

She sobbed and sobbed.  The more she spoke the more I think I need to get her into a doctor.  I truly suspect that she is depressed.  Right now the kids don’t have insurance as I’m waiting for Bubba to let me know about insurance with his new employer.  He’s refused to provide insurance for them for nine months now.  Between my job and child support (that was finally being garnished), the kids lost Medicaid this month because I make too much money.  I’m in the process of applying for state health insurance for them but that is taking time.  I need to get Serenity in for an evaluation as soon as I can.

I hate that I have to work full-time.  I hate that I can’t be here for my babies as much as they need me to be.  I hate that Bubba refused to get help.  I hate what he’s done to my children.

Today, I’m giving myself permission to just hate him.

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3 Comments

  1. Sorry he did it the way he did and I hope you’re able to get help for your daughter soon. It’s hard sometimes to move forward when there are so many things still unresolved from issues like that. My daughter has depression and I do lay a lot of the blame on the way her dad was and the things he put us through. A couple of years ago I was able to get her free counseling at a Baptist seminary school, but she started rebelling against going and the lady said I had to let her choose. She stopped going. She’s finally ready to get help and I’m glad.

    • She’s been in counseling since we left but I don’t think she’s been really using it effectively. I just hope that she will start digging into the ick and getting it out or it’s going to eat her alive. I can’t force her to talk. I can’t force her to heal. I can only encourage her and let her see how healing has helped me.

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