Two Months

It’s been two months since Sean walked out of my door for the last time.  I miss him so much that I ache.  I want to stomp across the street and scream, “I told you so!” at him.  I told him this would end with a huge kaboom.  I knew I’d lose him as a friend.  Yet, I also just want to go over and walk into his arms.  That would be an even worse idea because I know where that would lead.

I’ve accepted that we aren’t friends anymore.  I’ve accepted that I can’t even be near him.  I think the thing I’m having trouble accepting is the way he told me he wanted me, wanted a relationship, then just repeatedly flaked out on me.  I don’t understand it.  I see his girlfriend’s car over there enough to know that he sees her on a regular basis.  His truck is gone enough that I don’t know if he’s out with her or flaking out on her too.  I feel bad for her.  He’ll eventually flake out on her too.

I just can’t believe how much I miss him.  It’s been a while since I’ve actually seen him out and about and I saw him yesterday.  It just made it hit home that I can’t even wave across the street anymore because we aren’t friends.  I was talking to Endellion on the phone at the time and she had me laughing so hard about something.  I think talking to her was the only thing keeping me from running over and telling him off…..or throwing myself into his arms.

No, I know that isn’t true.  Sure, Endellion helped, but the thing that really stopped me is that I finally have a healthy dose of self-respect.  If I’d done either of those two things, I would’ve thrown my new-found self-respect out the window.  If I would tell him off, it would kill a piece of me because he wouldn’t give me the reaction I wanted (a sincere apology) and I’d just look like a fool.  If I’d thrown myself into his arms, I’d never be able to look at myself in the mirror again.  He has a girlfriend, I have no right to go anywhere near him.  I don’t *want* to go anywhere near him.  That isn’t who I am.  Sean is wholly lost to me, as both a potential lover and as a friend.

I’ve had two months to think about it and I’m so very grateful that he turned down my Friends With Benefits (FWB) offer.  We would’ve eventually come to this same place but sex would’ve complicated it so much more than just those make-out sessions did.  I know, absolutely, that we would’ve blown the roof off my house if we’d have had sex.  I miss him touching me and kissing me.  My body really would’ve been bad off right now had I gotten a taste of sex with Sean.  It’s already bad off just after those make-out sessions.

Most of all, I just miss talking to him. I miss laughing with him.

I miss my friend.

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