Swirling Thoughts

There are so many thought swirling around in my head that I don’t even know where to start.  This will probably be one of my more disjointed posts but these are the things that are going on.

*Quentin texted, “You ok?” yesterday, two days after telling me it wasn’t working out.  I simply ignored it.  Is he the type of man who gets off on causing women pain then comes back to watch the fall-out?  I so wanted to respond, “I’m sitting here sobbing for you because you shattered my heart. <heavysarcasm>” but I didn’t.  I didn’t respond at all.  I don’t need that kind of crazy in my life.

*Bubba still has not given me his new residential address.  He moved last weekend.  He told Serenity about it two days before it happened and he told the boys as he was driving to his new state.  Our divorce decree states that we need to give each other 30 days notice of any move.  He is in contempt of court.  When I emailed and told him this, he gave me a P.O. Box.  I know he’s a small man, but I don’t think he’s that little.

*I’m worried about what this means for child support.  I highly doubt Bubba is going to send checks on his own.  It took 90 days for my state to coordinate with his former state to catch up to him.  I’m worried that it is going to take another 90 days since he’s moved states.  I often wonder if he understands that his debt to me doesn’t magically go away when they are 18.  He will continue to pay until what he owes me is paid off.  Sean has a 26 year old son he is still paying child support for.  Child support debt just doesn’t go away until it is paid off.

*I’m going out with Bill tomorrow.  I’m not really enthused about it.  I was entirely too excited about Quentin and I think that is tempering my response to Bill.  We seem to have a lot in common.  I’m trying to reserve judgment until we meet tomorrow.

*I’m concerned about dating and touching.  I know that there will be a man out there who will respect my body boundaries and be patient with me as we get to know each other.  I just don’t know if he’s in my part of the world or not.  I’m also worried about how to discuss this with my dates.  “I’m looking for a man to spend the rest of my life with.  I’m not looking for an easy fuck.  Because of that, I want to get to know you and I need to feel comfortable with you before I’m comfortable being touched.  I need time and patience and if you aren’t willing to give me that then we might as well say good-bye now.”  Who knows.  This dating stuff is HARD!

*I really, really want to feel normal. I was talking to a new friend of mine who met her boyfriend on the same dating site I’m on.  She said they kissed after a month of dating.  That thought terrifies me.  How can I possibly feel safe after only a month?  I know it is really individual but the thought of having someone I just met touch me after only a month is not something I want to contemplate right now.  That makes me angry that I still have this demon in me.  It feels like, yet again, Bubba’s legacy is still winning.

*I’ve circled back to being very angry that I have to work full-time.  I miss being home for my children.  I feel like I’m failing as a mother, even as I’m shining at work and enjoying my personal life.  It feels like I sold my kids’ lives to escape the abuse.  That makes me even angrier at Bubba for putting me in this position because he chose to remain an abuser instead of seeking health and healing.

*That random memory really threw me for a loop this week.  In doing all the research I’ve done over the past nearly two years, I’m pretty convinced that Bubba has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  All of my happy memories of our life together will be tainted because I know I was feeding his narcissism somehow.  He is not capable of doing something altruistic because he is profoundly broken.  Anything nice he ever did for me or the kids was done to make himself look or feel better.

*I hate that I’ve had to accept that I will never be able to assign any positive intent to Bubba.  We all project our characteristics onto others.  When Bubba and I were together, I was always boggled by the fact that we could see the same person do the same thing and see it two entirely different ways.  Where I would see it in a positive light, Bubba would see it in a negative light.  I trusted everyone until they gave me a reason not to.  Bubba trusted no one, even if they gave him every reason to trust them.  It goes against everything inside of me to look at Bubba and see his motivations as bad but that is what he’s proven to me over and over.  I know he is coming from a space of profound hurt and brokenness.  That doesn’t excuse his continued abuse of me and the children.  He chose to not seek help.

*I miss Sean.

There is so much more swirling around in my head but these are the only thoughts I was able to reach in and grab as they zipped by.  Right now my brain is a chaotic nightmare and I can’t quiet it.  I don’t know how to calm the thoughts.  I’m not sleeping because the thoughts awaken me in the night and won’t leave me in peace.

I’m tired.  I’m discouraged.  I’m running low on hope.

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