Random Memories

I was driving to work this morning and I thought, “If I was still a stay-at-home mom, I could take Quentin lunch one of these days and surprise him!”  It was just something that had popped into my head.  Then, out of nowhere, a memory hit me.  Bubba and I had lost a child before.  It was a rough time for me.  For the next year, I would go up to have lunch with Bubba at his work each week.  It helped get me through the week.  It gave me something to look forward to.

Now that I understand that Bubba is a narcissist, as I was remembering this, I starting wondering about his motivation.  I used to think he was doing it for me, to help me.  Now, I know that somehow, some way, I was feeding his narcissism.  It may have been as simple as his co-workers saw him as the loving husband to his grief-stricken wife.  Whatever his motivation was isn’t important.  What I realized today is that I was his narcissistic supply. I have this memory that should be happy and it is tainted by the fact of who Bubba actually is.

I don’t want to look into my happy memories and question everything about our lives together.  Will every happy memory I have in the future be tainted?  Sadly, I believe it will.  Bubba simply didn’t do anything for anyone without it benefiting him in some way.  I don’t want to have a memory hit me and then have it punch me in the gut too because it is just another lie that I lived.

After the memory started washing over me and I realized that Bubba did NOT do all of that for me, I called Endellion.  How was I supposed to go to work and pretend to be a normal human being?  All I wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed, and cry.  I wanted to hide away and pretend that my life is not profoundly affected by this.  It is too bad that I can’t afford to take a day off.

Endellion listened and helped me calm down.  I put my game face on and decided that my sheer “get-er-doneness” had to come into play and get me through the day.  What other choice did I have?  Luke says I always have a choice and yet, I strongly disagree with him.  To give in to the emotions, to let myself fall, to fail is NOT an option.  It simply isn’t acceptable.

I got through the day.  Quentin texted a few times and made me laugh.  Endellion checked up on me.  I made it through the day.  I was calm and collected, if subdued on the surface while my insides were a maelstrom of emotions.  I’m good at hiding the tears.  I’m good at powering through.

What other choice do I have?

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