I was driving to work this morning and I thought, “If I was still a stay-at-home mom, I could take Quentin lunch one of these days and surprise him!” It was just something that had popped into my head. Then, out of nowhere, a memory hit me. Bubba and I had lost a child before. It was a rough time for me. For the next year, I would go up to have lunch with Bubba at his work each week. It helped get me through the week. It gave me something to look forward to.
Now that I understand that Bubba is a narcissist, as I was remembering this, I starting wondering about his motivation. I used to think he was doing it for me, to help me. Now, I know that somehow, some way, I was feeding his narcissism. It may have been as simple as his co-workers saw him as the loving husband to his grief-stricken wife. Whatever his motivation was isn’t important. What I realized today is that I was his narcissistic supply. I have this memory that should be happy and it is tainted by the fact of who Bubba actually is.
I don’t want to look into my happy memories and question everything about our lives together. Will every happy memory I have in the future be tainted? Sadly, I believe it will. Bubba simply didn’t do anything for anyone without it benefiting him in some way. I don’t want to have a memory hit me and then have it punch me in the gut too because it is just another lie that I lived.
After the memory started washing over me and I realized that Bubba did NOT do all of that for me, I called Endellion. How was I supposed to go to work and pretend to be a normal human being? All I wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed, and cry. I wanted to hide away and pretend that my life is not profoundly affected by this. It is too bad that I can’t afford to take a day off.
Endellion listened and helped me calm down. I put my game face on and decided that my sheer “get-er-doneness” had to come into play and get me through the day. What other choice did I have? Luke says I always have a choice and yet, I strongly disagree with him. To give in to the emotions, to let myself fall, to fail is NOT an option. It simply isn’t acceptable.
I got through the day. Quentin texted a few times and made me laugh. Endellion checked up on me. I made it through the day. I was calm and collected, if subdued on the surface while my insides were a maelstrom of emotions. I’m good at hiding the tears. I’m good at powering through.
What other choice do I have?