What Do I Tell Him?

Now that I’ve entered the dating world, this is a question that has been on my mind lately.  I’m trying to be careful about how much I reveal about what I’ve gone through.  I’ve told Quentin that I only get child support because it is garnished and that Bubba doesn’t take all of his visitation.  He knows the divorce was bad but I’ve been careful about what I’ve revealed about the why’s of the divorce.

I know I’m going to have to do a little explaining about the body boundaries.  I’m not going to come right out and say it was my ex that did it.  For all I know he may think that it was a random stranger.  What I need to do is practice this week either deflecting the conversation into safer waters or learn to say, “I’m not ready to talk about that yet.”

I really want Quentin to see the strong woman I am now before he learns how weak I once was.  I want him to know the me I am now before he learns about who I was two years ago.  I want him to know that I’m self-sufficient and that I can take care of myself and my kids.  I don’t need a man to come to my rescue.  I’m not looking for someone to pay my bills or dig me out of debt.  I’m looking for a partner – an equal.  I have spent all this time learning my worth.  I’m worthy of a strong, confident, gentle man who will cherish me.

This is so new.  Luke knew everything before he came down.  He was the rock that got me through the worst of the realizations.  I held nothing back from him.  He knew the horrors I’d been through.  I didn’t have to worry about him thinking I was weak or looking for him to fix me.

I viewed Sean as a friend.  I got to know him gradually and my story naturally came out in bits and pieces.  I did try to scare him off in the beginning.  He’d made his interest known and I knew I didn’t want that with him.  I purposely told him that he couldn’t imagine how fucked up I was a mere two weeks after meeting him.  I didn’t tell him why, just that I was.

This is different.  Luke was already a friend.  I was looking at Sean as only a potential friend.  I’m looking at Quentin differently.  I got into the dating world to find someone to be my partner.  Things have to be different with Quentin.  I don’t want to scare him away.

When one has been as utterly broken as I was, what does one tell men she is now dating?  I would like for it to come out, gradually, over the course of months like it did with Sean.  I just can’t figure out how to do that.  When Quentin and I are looking at each other, trying to figure out if there could be something there, we aren’t going to be going at the snail’s pace that Sean and I went at.

I also know that the “no touching” rule is going to have to bend.  I’m going to have to get comfortable with touching more quickly than I did with Sean.  I’m sure waiting months for a spontaneous hug won’t go over well in the dating world.  Also, I don’t want to wait that long.  I don’t want this demon to win.  In this day and age, people are sleeping together on the third or fourth date.  I’m not going to be having sex with Quentin anytime soon, but I’d like to be able to hold his hand or let him put his arm around me.  I want to not freeze up upon first contact.

I do think it will be easier with Quentin simply because he feels safer to me than Sean did at first.  I know there are a myriad reasons that Sean didn’t feel safe and I think, deep down, there was that instinct that he wasn’t good for me.  I’m not feeling that with Quentin.  My gut is not screaming to BEWARE!!! My gut seems rather comfortable with Quentin.

I think this is going to have to be one of these “judge in the moment” things as to how much I reveal and when.  I need to keep Endellion’s voice in the back of my head telling me to go carefully.  She thinks I’m too open.  That is who I am but in the dating world, caution is warranted.

At least this hasn’t made me want to run away from the dating world altogether.  I’m willing to navigate these choppy waters because I know I’m ready for this.

I’m tired of being alone and I’m willing to do the hard work to find that special someone.

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