Epiphany at Church
Today’s Scripture lesson at church came from Luke. I had some time before church started to read over the verses the pastor would be preaching on, so I read them and then started thumbing through Luke. I came to Luke 17:32 “Remember Lot’s wife.” It was a light bulb went on over my head.
You see, last night I was texting with Luke and broke down and asked if he was considering coming to visit again this summer. He said he’d love to but with his son living with him now he probably wouldn’t be able to until late summer. Endellion asked me how I felt about his answer then said to her that it seemed rather ambivalent.
Why am I doing this to myself? I’ve already gotten the answer to “what if?” I thought I’d accept it, but it seems I really haven’t.
Endellion is concerned about me having Luke visit again. She knows what his visit last summer cost me emotionally. She is concerned that what I get from his visit won’t be worth the ramifications I live with after.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I’ve thought that if I can’t have Luke forever, I can have him for a time. I can take what he is willing to give and just savor it.
Today, reading those words, “Remember Lot’s wife,” showed me clearly that, while Luke is a great friend, that is all it is or ever will be. I can’t continue to hope that something will come from this. I can’t keep hoping for a few days of his life each summer. I deserve more than that.
I can’t continue to look back at what was. I can’t keep thinking about those few days with Luke and hoping for a repeat. I need to keep my eyes on the future. If I ever hope to find that man who is meant for me, I need to stop looking back.
I need to move into my future. I need to stop being afraid of the possibility of real love and happiness. Luke is safe. Now I understand that he is safe because there is no real possibility of us getting together. We’ve both lost that chance; Luke through his ambivalence and me through my fear of taking a risk.
Our time is over. It is time to get serious about putting myself out there and meeting men with whom I have the potential of building a life with.
It is time to put fear, Luke, Sean, Bubba, and the lessons learned from my Family of Origin (FOO) in the past and concentrate on my future.
It is time for me to remember Lot’s wife.