Choices

In the past I’ve told Luke that I’m still going, still trudging along, still putting one foot in front of the other simply because I don’t have any other choice.

Luke responds and tells me that I always have a choice.  I can see where he’d think that but I highly disagree with him.  Sure, I could stop.  I could stop going, stop trudging along, stop putting one foot in front of the other and give in to the loneliness, the sadness, the depression but where would that leave my children?

It would leave my children in Bubba’s hands.  In ways, I still feel like I’m being watched, being tested, being observed to make sure I’m still that good mother, that fit mother, the mother the Guardian ad Litem (GAL) watched like a hawk during the divorce.  If, at any time over the next ten years, I slip up, I’m afraid Bubba will swoop in and try for custody of the children just to hurt me.

Therefore I have no other choice but to continue on this healing journey.  I have no other choice but to hold it together, even if only by my fingernails because the alternative is abhorrent to me – losing my children to their abuser.  That is not an option.

Even though Luke seems to think I have a choice in the matter, I don’t think I do.  How could I just stop if I know it means handing my precious babies over to Bubba?  To me, there is no choice.  Again I say, my children deserve at least one healthy parent.  Bubba is still making it clear that he is not going to be that parent.  My children deserve to be raised in health and I’m the only person who is willing to do the hard work to give them that.  So on I struggle, on I fight.

I started going back to the beginning of this blog and rereading the posts from when I first started.  I can look back and see who I was back then and who I am now.  I was reading those first weeks of posts and I can clearly see so much of who I was still was The Victim.  I hear the fear in my words, I remember the constant fear I lived in.

I wonder what it would’ve been like had I made a different choice.  Could I have stuck with my plan to have a year’s separation from Bubba?  What would life be like now if I was only now going through the actual divorce?  I don’t kid myself to think that there would’ve been reconciliation.  After the realization of the rapes, I knew I’d never let him touch me again but I wonder how the divorce would’ve played out had I been this healed going through it.  Would I have put up with all the stuff I did simply to get custody of the kids?  Would I have fought harder to not get financially screwed?

I simply don’t know.  The children and I went through the divorce so traumatized and we were re-traumatized by the family court.  Would it have been different had I waited to file?  The thing that sticks out to me is that I never would’ve been able to cut off communications with Bubba as I have been able to since the divorce.  I would’ve had to been in contact with him since we would’ve been working toward reconciliation.  I probably would’ve been sucked back into my (Family of Origin) FOO’s family dynamics too.

In my estimated guess, had I delayed the divorce, I wouldn’t be this far along in my healing.  I would probably still be The Victim instead of The Survivor.  I still would’ve been living in the abuse, just separated from it a bit.

All of the choices I’ve made along the lines have really been non-choices for me.  It was either do something healthy or stay in unhealth.  When you are committed to getting healthy, remaining in unhealth is simply not an option.  There is no choice there.  Outsiders may think I have had choices along the line but I didn’t.  Not if I wanted to keep my children safe and work to break the cycle of abuse so that I’m doing everything in my power to not let it move into the next generation.

Sometimes, the only choice we have is to keep moving forward.

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1 Comment

  1. Michelle

    Hugs Hope. You ARE strong and BRAVE. Don’t let your mind or anyone tell you otherwise. You are making a choicethat many mothers make. That choice is to consider the needs of everyone in your family not just yourself. You’re choices are sselfless and loving. Now how to take care of your self too. That’s the million dollar question. If you need medication, is there some way to get it for free through your community mental health or something? In Canada if your income falls below a threshold you can get coverage through them. Is there a charity that can help? There has to be an answer.

    Also, if you’re interested I’m part of a Facebook group of crunchy’ish AP’ish single mama’s that has been a great source of comfort and support. Lots of ideas bouncing around. You might find some support there. Email me if you’d like to know more.

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