I’ve acknowledged that I’m alone. I’ve acknowledged that I have to work full-time at a job that I less than love. I’ve acknowledged that my dreams for a career I love are on hold indefinitely. I’ve acknowledged that there is no one else to “tag in” when I’m just done with the kids.
I’ve accepted all that too. I simply don’t like it.
Today I’m hearing the voices of The Ghost of Abuses Past in my head again. They are loud today. They are telling me that this is what I deserve for not trusting God, for leaving Bubba, for trying for a safe, better life for my kids and me. I hear that I’m being punished for my sins.
I know The Ghost lies. I absolutely know the kids and I are better off. I also know that I need to get to a doctor and get on meds. I also know that I have a few more weeks to get through until that can happen.
How do I get through until then? I think my sheer get-er-doneness (as Endellion calls it) is just about out. I’m tired. I can’t pick myself up by my bootstraps anymore and continue on like this. Then again, what other choice do I have?
Who is going to do everything I need to do if I don’t? Who will pick up the slack? Who will do what needs to get done? Who will take care of my kids?
I continue on simply because the other choice is to let Bubba take the kids and that simply isn’t an option. I would be signing them over to a man (and I use that term very loosely) who only cares about himself. I see the strife he sows between the kids when they are with him. I deal with the fall-out of it. Serenity and Liam are most definitely the scapegoats and Shane is wholly Bubba’s golden child.
I hate that I’ve had to accept what I’ve had to. I hate that I can’t give my children more than I am now. I feel like I’m failing them because I’m never home and when I am, I’m just tired. I know a change needs to happen but I’m stuck at what that is and how to make it happen.
I’m down. I’m tired. I need help and I can’t ask for it because I don’t even know what could actually help at this point.