This Still Bothers Me

Serenity came running in the house last night and told me, “Sean’s girlfriend got here and when he opened the door, he practically swallowed her face.”

It was like having a knife shoved into my heart.  I can’t believe how much it hurts to hear that and it bothers me that it does.  I told Serenity not to tell me anything about him anymore.

I’m trying to figure out why this is bothering me so much.  Is it bothering me because maybe I felt more for Sean than I thought?  Does it bother me because it isn’t me he is kissing?

I’ve really been thinking about this and it comes down to me wondering if he blows her off and forgets about her too.  Is he calling and texting her and not forgetting about her?  Was it that I am just easy to forget or that I wasn’t important enough for him to remember?  I will never know and it bothers me.

I’m feeling easy to forget, easy to overlook, easy to be an afterthought.  Yes, I’m glad the whole mess with Sean is over.  It was too much drama and too much being forgotten about.

But hearing about his girlfriend hurts.  I want it to not hurt.  I dread running into him or seeing him again.  I hate being this sad about this.  I want it to just be over now.  I don’t know how to deal with this grief because it isn’t easily definable.

I simply want to not care.

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