Being a Better Mom
Being with a person who repsects and loves you will make you a better mom because it makes you a better person all around. Endellion saying she isn’t a good mom brought this one.
Endellion keeps telling me that she isn’t a good mother. She became a mother because she thought that was what she was expected to do. Her ex, like so many abusive spouses, made it impossible for her to follow her dreams of going to college. One after another, he quit jobs and did nothing so that she was the sole bread-winner. There was never time or money for her to go to school. Eventually, they had their two boys.
Endellion became a stay-at-home-mom who worried about finances all the time. She never knew when her ex would decide to quit another job and leave them nearly penniless. She took part-time work when he was out of a job but would come home to find that he’d not taken care of the children while she’d been gone. They would be in dirty diapers and would be ravenous. Her ex resented having to parent the boys because she wasn’t home.
Endellion feels as though she yells at the boys too much. Her older boy is on the spectrum and her younger boy is newly four. That combination is enough to drive anyone batty. I keep telling her to give herself more grace. She always apologizes to the boys and I see an improvement in her parenting. I see how those boys flock to her when we’re talking on Skype. They want hugs and kisses and she is always willing to give them. The boys know they are loved by her. She is doing the best she can at the moment and she is improving all the time.
Similarly, there are times that I feel like I’m failing my children. I keep hearing now that I’m a good mom. Some times I think it is too little, too late. Before I left Bubba, no one ever told me that I was a good mother. The first time it happened, when Jose told me I was a good mother, I broke down and cried. I’d never heard that before. My family just constantly told me that I needed to spank my kids and they were as “bad” as they were because I didn’t. I was constantly told that what I was doing wasn’t right.
As I was talking to Endellion the other night, I wondered aloud: “If we have partners who love and respect us, will we be better parents because it would help us be better people all around? If we have a man who builds us up and makes us feel loved, would we, in turn, be more capable of building our children up and making them feel loved?”
Right now we are both stretched so thinly, that I think either of us could just break at any moment. In many ways, we are both still in survival mode. We are just trying to get through day by day but we aren’t living, if that makes any sense. How much more could I accomplish and how much could I live if I had someone besides me to support, love, and help me?
I think both Endellion and I are eager to find out.
- Posted in: As Life Continues - My Story Now ♦ Economic Abuse ♦ First Year Divorced
- Tagged: abuse, abuser, abusive dynamic, abusive marriage, achievement, blame, broken, children, control, crazy, deadbeat dad, emotional abuse, intimidation, lies, love, marriage, ownership, parenting, partner, respect, support