“Selfish jerks make awful kissers and bad lovers because they are too selfish and self seeking about it. They are not giving or sharing affection…they are taking it-this equals very very bad kissing and absolutely awful technique.” My friend, Merida, shared this with another friend as we were discussing the fact that our abusers were horrible kissers. Again and again, I’m hearing from other women who’ve escaped from abusive men that they were both terrible kissers and terrible lovers.
What she shared struck me. Yes! Bubba never shared. He took. He didn’t care if I was getting pleasure out of it because it was never about me. Another friend agreed and said kissing her ex felt like a battle. Kissing Bubba was never about *sharing* ourselves with each other. It was all about him taking what he wanted from me. My head is still reeling that one after another friend chimed in that her ex was a horrible kisser. I have yet to meet a survivor who has said, “But my ex was such a good kisser.”
I never really understood this until I was with Luke. He was a good kisser. He was an amazing lover. He was interested in us sharing each other and enjoying ourselves. Back then I hadn’t thought of it like Merida described it. I knew that Bubba was selfish and Luke wasn’t. I knew that Bubba was demanding and Luke was generous.
With Sean, I felt like I was being savored. I could tell he enjoyed kissing me. There was nothing of the battle with Sean that I’d had with Bubba. I remember when Bubba would kiss me, I would often try to pull back, to break the kiss, and he’d just follow my movements, not allowing me to decide when the kiss would end. If I did manage to break away, Bubba would complain that he wasn’t done kissing me yet and how could I do that to him. With Sean, if I wanted to end the kiss, it gently ended.
There is such a huge contrast between kissing Bubba and kissing either Luke or Sean. I dreaded it with Bubba and I’m so thankful that I’ll never have to endure that again. I relished it with both Luke and Sean.
I understand that it will never again happen with Sean but there is still hope in my heart that I will get another chance to be with Luke.