Last night as I was finally crying for Sean, I considered texting a friend. I did text Endellion and tell her I was crying but that is as far as it went. I didn’t want to burden Endellion with it because I’m pretty sure she is as sick of hearing about Sean as I am.
As I cried, I thought about texting my friend, Peace. She is one of those friends I don’t talk to very often but I know she understands, she gets it, and I know I can always call her if I need to. It was after midnight, I told myself, too late to call or text. It would be rude to text that late. I didn’t want to bother her. What I didn’t realize was that I was making every excuse under the sun (or stars as it was night) to not reach out to someone.
I’m finding that I’m still having trouble reaching out to people when I need it most. What is even worse is that the one person I was starting to feel comfortable reaching out to for comfort is the one person I can’t call. He’s the reason I need comforting.
I am trying to understand why it is still the hardest for me to reach out to people when I need it the most. I think it is because it is when I am the most vulnerable and I learned that being vulnerable is not a good thing. To show weakness means that others have power over you. As with love and the truth I had to learn about it (that love is a gift and that power has no place in it), I think I need to learn truth about vulnerability.
Being vulnerable is not showing weakness, it is not giving up power. It is the ability to open oneself up to another, to allow another person in to your private, innermost world. That is not inherently a bad thing. Oh, I was taught that it was a bad thing but like so much else of what I was taught growing up, this is a lie.
Where does this leave me? I still can’t imagine myself doing anything differently last night. I try to visualize it and I simply can’t. I’m so good at visualization and that is one big tool that I’ve used to reframe my thinking. I’ve tried going back to last night and visualizing myself texting Peace to chat with her about what was going on and I can’t do it. There is a huge emotional block there. My head knows vulnerability isn’t bad but my heart refuses to believe it.
How do I work through this? Can I force myself to pick up the phone and text the next time it happens? I know there will be a next time. These soul-cries happen when they happen and there is nothing I can do to stop them. I know the next one will happen and I wonder if I’ll be able to remember what I learned today and then be able to pick up the phone and reach out for help and comfort?
I simply don’t know.