I Finally Cried
And cried and cried and cried.
I did not see this one coming. Not even a little bit. I’ve been trying to mourn losing Sean as a friend for a couple of weeks now. Last weekend when the kids went to visit Bubba, I thought it would be a good time to finally cry and get it out. It didn’t happen.
Endellion and I chatted on Skype and ended up having a ton of fun. I found that I couldn’t cry. I guess scheduling my mourning times is not something that works for me. Also, I had mostly convinced myself that Sean wasn’t worth my tears. Sure, I said that I was worth my tears and that I was mourning for myself instead of Sean but it didn’t actually work. I was still holding it in because deep down, I just don’t want to give him those tears.
The past week has been a miserable week at work. It seemed that every other phone call was a hard question that I just didn’t know the answer to. I have to keep track of how many calls I get each day, categorizing them by type of call. Usually I have one or two calls on average that I have to transfer to tech because it is something that I can’t help the customer with. One day this week I had eight calls that I transferred! Yes, it was a bad week.
All day Friday I kept thinking, “I’m going to have a drink tonight when the kids go to bed. I’ll talk to Endellion on Skype and just have a drink.” I couldn’t wait. I love our weekend Skype calls when the kids are all in bed and we can just stay up till all hours, talking about our hopes and dreams, and of course, men!
I’ve also found myself sitting with Shane for longer and longer periods of time as he falls asleep. I’d been so sick of doing this for him and I want him to go to sleep on his own without needing me right there. His behavior has been off the charts this week and it has been easier to just sit with him rather than fighting this battle too. At least that is what I’ve told myself. Except he falls asleep and I sit in beside him, playing on my computer, listening to the classical music he loves to have playing as he drifts off. I find myself still in there 30-45 minutes after he falls asleep. I’ve been wondering why. I figured it out the night before last.
I’m just enjoying listening to him breathing. I’m enjoying being with him when he is peaceful. It seems that the only time he is peaceful is when he is sleeping (and even then it doesn’t always work as sometimes he tosses fitfully when he’s had a particularly hard day). I sit in beside him, thankful that I can at least enjoy this small boy during this time. There is no strife, no anger, no raging; there is only soft breathing and the gentle smudge of impossibly long eyelashes spread out on his cheeks. These are times I remember that he is my baby and that it is this little boy I’m fighting so hard to help heal.
As I was sitting there with Shane, I realized that I’d been typing to Endellion and she’d stopped responding. I figured she was getting her kids to bed and I decided that I didn’t want to wait for her to have my drink. I got a head start while I waited for her to come back to her computer.
By the time she came back, my first drink was long gone and was starting to wear off. We talked for a bit then I decided to have another drink. I got to hear all about her week at school and the new friends she is making. I’m beyond excited for Endellion right now. I see her coming out of her shell more and more, stepping beyond her comfort zone, and finding her power as a woman. It is amazing to watch!
It was after midnight and I decided it was time to head to bed. It was getting difficult to keep my eyes open. I was tired and feeling really mellow by this point. I thought it would be a good time to get ready for bed and contemplate whether or not I wanted to take care of myself before falling asleep since the alcohol had hit all the places that I’ve been trying to make go to sleep.
When I first started The Sexual Healing Journey, it was a toss up whether I would cry or not when I masturbated. I just never knew if the release I got was going to be only physical or if I’d get that emotional release too. For months now I haven’t even thought about crying because it simply doesn’t happen anymore. Sure, it usually makes me feel lonely and I still haven’t decided whether having that feeling of utter aloneness is worth the physical release I know I need, yet I do it anyway.
I’ve found that on the days I think that I don’t need the physical release and figure it isn’t going to happen anyway are the days that I really do need it. My attitude right now about masturbating is that it is a biological necessity and nothing more. I don’t take my time, I don’t really enjoy it, I simply do it to get it done. I know this is flawed thinking but it is the only thing I can do right now. I don’t want to delve into it more than that. I don’t want to confront the deep issues under it, I don’t want to deal with the lonely aspect of it.
Last night, the climax was barely starting and I started bawling. It was like getting hit by a mac truck. I hadn’t seen it coming at all. I stopped what I was doing because all there was was pain. I was utterly engulfed in it. I hate soul crying. I hate when the sobs come from so far deep down that it physically hurts in my chest because the tears have to claw their way from the center of my being to reach my eyes. I simply laid there and sobbed, let it wash over me, let it be in control.
I remember now that Arcadia once (or twice or three times) told me that I need to treat crying and feeling like labor, like birth. I need to let the waves wash over me and learn to not fight them. When I fight them they are even more painful than they need to be. If I just flow with the waves, work with them, they won’t hurt me as much. I didn’t exactly remember that last night, but her words have finally sunk in because that is exactly what I did. I let the waves of pain wash over me, cleansing me from the inside out.
I don’t know how long I laid there and cried. When I thought I’d worn myself out, I got up, went through my nightly ablutions, and found myself crying more. Again, I didn’t fight it even as I was thinking, “I thought this was over for the night. This is ridiculous!” I crawled back into bed, texted Endellion that I was crying and couldn’t stop.
I slept like the dead but woke up after only 5 1/2 hours. I thought back and realized I’d cried myself to sleep. I don’t remember anything other than I was crying and then I was waking up.
I officially started mourning the death of my friendship with Sean. I’ve finally given him the tears he doesn’t deserve. I can finally start to heal.