Mourning So Many Things
I feel like I’m in a constant state of mourning right now. I’m still mourning that Luke and I will only ever be friends. I’m mourning the loss of Sean’s friendship. Yesterday, I realized that I need to mourn my career dreams.
Now that I have the financial ability to continue my education, I can’t find the time. Between working full-time and taking care of the kids, there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to add schoolwork to it. Something would suffer and that something would be the kids. I’m already gone from them enough during the days that I simply can’t add something else to my life right now.
I have a good job and I’m hoping that within a month it will be a permanent job with all the benefits that come along with that. It isn’t my dream job and it isn’t something I can see myself doing year after year. I can see myself doing it for however long I need to though so that I can get Serenity into college and more independent and then start to pursue my own dreams.
I still dream of having a career that I love. I’ve been dreaming of it since Liam was about 2 years old. I was never allowed to go back to school because there was never enough time or money. There was time and money for Bubba to go back and get his MBA but there wasn’t either available for me. I know that Bubba doesn’t understand what I did during those two years he was getting his MBA. He was working 60-70 hours a week, going to class two nights a week, and doing his school work any time he was home. He missed out on two years of our lives because he was simply doing his own thing. I refuse to miss out on my kids’ lives to pursue my education now. Right now, they are the most important aspect of my life. I need to do what is right for them.
I’d been telling myself that I could put this off for a year and be ready for the exam next summer. Now, I understand that it just isn’t possible – at least without it hurting my kids.
I’m also back to heavily mourning not being a stay-at-home mom anymore. I see how much my kids still need me to be home for them. It breaks my heart that I can’t be the one to take them to all of their appointments, to run them places they need to go, to just be here when they get home from school. And though I’m trying not to think about it, I’m really upset that I can’t homeschool Shane. I know that is what he needs. I know that is what would be best for him. It simply isn’t possible.
I’m so sick of being sad and needing to cry. I know I can’t work through any of this until I let the tears come. I don’t know whether they simply refuse to or if I’m holding them back. I still find it hard to cry. I still view it mainly as a sign of weakness. For weeks now I’ve been telling myself that Sean doesn’t deserve my tears. I now understand that while that is true, I deserve my tears. I deserve to mourn and heal from this. I’m not giving my tears to Sean. I’m giving them to me.
Besides, I won’t just be mourning losing Sean’s friendship. I’m still sad that Luke and I aren’t going to magically get together someday. I can’t say definitely that it will never happen because there is that tiny flame of hope in my heart that refuses to die but for now, it isn’t possible. I need to mourn not having my dream career. I need to mourn not being a stay-at-home mom anymore.
I need to learn how to mourn. I need to learn to cry when I need to. I am still bottling it up until it explodes.
It isn’t working for me but I don’t know how to change it.