The Reason I’m Angry

I was talking to Endellion tonight again and I figured something out.  I figured out why I’m so very angry with Sean.  It is an intense anger and I’m just starting to figure it out.

I’m angry because not only did his decisions take my friend away from me, but his decisions took a possible lover away from me.

Let’s face it – as adults who’ve both been sexually active for half our lives, neither of us would’ve been content to stay at 2nd base for very long.  Within the next few months we would’ve had sex.  It seems rather inevitable.

If the way we reacted to each other just making out was any indication, we would’ve blown the roof off the house!  It would’ve been the mind-blowing sex that I’ve only heard about.

That is why I’m angry.  My body is still screaming for sex.  No matter how bad of an idea it may have been, Sean and I would’ve had amazing sex.  We had such chemistry and he blew it because he chose to be unreliable and to simply not communicate with me.

The saddest part is that he’ll never know how close he would’ve come had he simply been patient and not pushed it.  Had he simply communicated with me, we could’ve worked through this.  Unfortunately, he chose to evaporate on me that last time and that was the straw that broke the camels back.  That pushed me over the edge and I finally had to say good-bye to the possibility of us becoming lovers.

I also had to say good-bye to the friendship because I can’t deal with that level of unreliability from my friends.

I’m angry with Sean.  I’m angry that my body is still on fire when I think about him.  I’m really angry that he has a girlfriend now.  Whatever we had is totally over and dead.  And I’m angry.

About 5 minutes after I wrote this, I had a huge epiphany.  I’m not the one who is so very angry.  After I wrote this, I started paying attention to how exactly I was feeling.  I realized that it felt so much like I felt before Fluffy reintegrated.  The anger felt cat-like and snarly.  It was then that I realized that it is actually Purity who is beyond pissed off right now.  Yes, I’m sad; I’m mourning losing a friend.  It is Purity who is enraged that she lost the possibility of having a lover.  She has been thwarted and she is raging.  I’ve never felt this emotion coming from her.  She feels remarkably like Fluffy right now.  I didn’t know Purity could feel this kind of emotion.  I thought she was all sex, all need.  I’m finding out that Purity can feel rage when she is stopped from getting what she wants.

Purity has been relatively quiet lately.  My body has found a kind of numb right now.  I thought that the sadness and anger I felt were mine and they really were.  Purity was giving me a chance to work this out on my own, to confront Sean again and have a chance to have angry sex.  Yes, that thought has been in my head.  <blush>  Then the girlfriend happened.  I won’t touch Sean with a 10 foot pole now.  He is strictly off limits.  When that realization dawned on Purity, all hell broke loose inside of me.

The kids go to Bubba this weekend.  When I get home from taking them to meet him, I’m going to have a date with some good alcohol and I’m going to mourn this.  I need to mourn this.  I lost a friend.  Purity lost a potential sex partner.

Neither of us are happy about it and both of us need to work through this.

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