Don’t Know What to Think Anymore

My mind is twisted in so many different directions.  There is so much going on in there that I really just want to shut it down.  The only problem is that I don’t know how.  I think that may be one of the reasons I am so upset about what happened with Sean.  He shut off my brain like nothing ever has.  When he kissed me, every thought in my head melted away and all I was became sensation.  I miss that.

Now I have too much time to think.  I can’t stick to one topic in my head either.  My brain jumps from topic to topic with no rhyme or reason.  It just won’t shut up!

Today was an ok day at work.  It was rather slow.  There is one man who has called a few times asking me to look stuff up for him.  Since he’s in the department I refer people to, I was confused the first time he called me about something.  Turns out I have access to some information that he doesn’t have.  After that first call, I told him to call us if he had another question.  He’s called me a few more times in the past few weeks.

This makes me chuckle as I’ve only been doing this job a couple of months.  I wonder if he is calling me specifically or if it’s just my turn to answer the phone when he calls.  His question today had my mind boggled because it is exactly a question I would’ve referred to him.  Together we figured it out.  I’ve only ever talked to him on the phone and know nothing about him other than he’s always been nice to chat with and he seems to have a good sense of humor.  He laughed when I said, “You are calling *me* about this and expect me to know the answer?  You realize I’ve only been here for a couple of months, don’t you?”

I was confused about something today and I thought I’d send him an email to ask him about it.  He sent me some information and I told him that it would be nice if it was in English and asked him if he heard the maniacal laughter where he was.  He emailed back and explained a bit more so I then asked if he’d heard that noise – it was the sound of my head exploding.

I’m really enjoying just talking business with a man.  It is non-threatening and I’m learning stuff at the same time.  I think this is the type of interactions I need to concentrate on just so I can simply stop being so jumpy around men.

I’m texting a lot more with Luke again.  I wouldn’t say the old feelings are back but it is so nice to just have him to text with again.  I need to be careful where it goes.  I know that I’m going to end up inviting him down this summer.  For as good as the sex was last summer, it would be so much better now because I’m so much more comfortable in my skin now.  I won’t be as nervous around him and I would feel more bold in our interactions.  I would also tell him that he wouldn’t have to treat me with kid gloves this time.  He let me lead last summer but I would like a chance to truly meet as equals in bed.  I’ve already found out that I don’t have triggers with him.  I’d like to explore it more.  Besides, I’d just like to spend more time with Luke.  (The flame is still alive even if it is really tiny right now.)

I really do hate being alone.  As much as I want someone to be a partner to me, I just want to share my life with someone.  I want someone to talk to, to laugh with, to play with, to have fun with.  I want someone to share burdens with.  I still don’t know if I ever want to get married again.  I just know that I do not want to be alone forever.  Right now it feels like I will be but I do know that I don’t want to be.

Wow, this was a rambly post.  This is only a small fragment of what goes through my head constantly.  It is never-ending.

I need to find a way to shut my brain down so that I can rest.

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