I’m Done

I’m just so done.  I honestly don’t know how much more I can take.  I don’t know if this really is a spiritual attack or what; all I know is that I am becoming more and more unable to cope.  Too many things have piled up and I can’t seem to dig myself out.

Yesterday, I got a call from Shane’s school.  He totally flipped out and was making dangerous threats and swearing at everyone.  I had to go pick him up and bring him home.  I missed 30 minutes of work because of it.  I had a nice meeting with Shane’s teacher and principal.  We have a plan in place to help him but most of the plan hinges on Shane being able to ask for help before he explodes.  I need to work harder with him so that he can recognize his own triggers and how he feels right before an explosion.  It is challenging because he goes from completely fine to absolute rage in no time.  There seems to be no warning.

In this way he is so like Bubba.  Bubba would be fine, then he would explode.  It is like a switch flipped in his head and he all of a sudden gave himself permission to act out.  Shane has that same switch and I don’t know how to disconnect it from its power source.  It is a daunting task.

I dreamed about Sean last night.  I saw him in the grocery store and he was with his girlfriend.  He wanted to talk to me like we were still friends and his girlfriend was being rude to me.  I looked at him and said, “We aren’t friends and I don’t have to put up with her being rude to me.  Good-bye, Sean.” and I walked away.

For as unreliable as he was and for as much angst as he brought into my life, I miss my friend.  I don’t know how to make this feel better.

I just feel stuck.  I feel like I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.  I feel like I will always have to do this on my own.  I’m so grateful for the friends who shuttle the kids to their counseling appointments, but I’m talking about the day to day parenting.  I’m talking about the day to day living.  I want someone to go to bed with at night and wake up with in the morning.  I want a partner.  I want help.

I want love.

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