I’m Going to Church
I decided today that I’m going to jump in with both feet and go to church. I think Satan is really upping the spiritual attack and frankly, I’ve had enough of everyone attacking me. First Bubba, then my Family of Origin (FOO), then what happened with Sean. I’m done. I’m not going to let Satan get anywhere with me. He doesn’t want me going to back to church? Well, watch this.
I went to church with Arcadia. She met me there because she was afraid I’d decide at the last minute that I wasn’t going to go. She knew that if I knew she was waiting for me, there was no way I’d miss it. She was right. Once I make a commitment, I’ll move heaven and earth to keep it.
I wore jeans, a sweater, and my black stilettos. I needed to wear my power shoes to give me the courage to go in the church. I towered over Arcadia, which I found to be vastly amusing!
It was a good service. It was so different than the churches I’d attended while married. The most glaring difference is this church’s view on women. The preacher is a woman and that is against everything my former denomination believes. When the offering was taken, a man and woman collected it. Again, that is not something that would’ve happened in my old church. Apparently, the lack of a penis makes it impossible to even collect offering. <dripping heavy sarcasm>
When communion was served the pastor had another women help her. To me, after all the garbage I’d been fed, it was a miracle to me to be served The Lord’s Supper by two women. It was such a blessing to me and a balm to my soul.
We sang, “It Is Well With My Soul.” That is one of my favorite hymns. I need to get back to a place of things being well with my soul. Nothing feels right right now. Nothing feels good or like it is going the way it should be.
It is hard to be a single mom. It is even harder when I was denied touch for so long then had it for a brief few weeks and it’s gone again. It was finally feeling good to touch a man again. Now it’s been ripped away and I just feel bereft.
Over and over people have told me to turn to God, give it to God, God is my husband, find comfort in Him. That isn’t an acceptable answer to me. God can’t give me that physical touch that I need. God can’t “tag in” when I’m just done being a parent for the day.
Although I like the church I attended, I emailed another church. I need a church that has something to offer single parents. The church I emailed had a big single parent outreach last year. I’m hoping that they have a small group or ministry or something geared toward single parents. I need to network. If I can find a church where I can worship and get that need met, all the better.
I miss having a church family. I feel called to find one again. Now the research and exploring phase begins. Maybe God is calling me somewhere for a purpose I don’t understand yet.
I just know that I feel like I have to do this.