Analyzing What Happened
Once again, Endellion had some very good insights for me about the way things happened with Sean. She texted me while I was at work to see if I wanted to chat on Skype and talk through this. She had some things she wanted to share. I had to get through a few more hours of work then getting the kids dinner and Shane to bed before I would find out what was tumbling through her head.
We sat down on Skype and each had a drink. Endellion first told me that I was not responsible to know the outcome of a relationship before it even started. So kicking myself now that I knew it wouldn’t work out is useless. I took a chance and that is a good thing. There was no way I could’ve predicted that Sean and I would crash and burn.
Her second important point is that sometimes when relationship ends, there are no guilty parties. There is no blame that needs to be assigned. Sometimes, things simply don’t work out. Although I agree with Endellion on this point in general, in this situation, I don’t. I think it is more on Sean and his whatever it is he has going on than anything else.
He once told me that we need to communicate better. Well, I learned that he talks big about communication but when push came to shove, he chose to just disappear. To me, that is unacceptable. I had no way of knowing he was feeling teased because he never told me that. I don’t read minds and I was very upfront with him the entire time. First in telling him that I wanted just to be friends-with-benefits (FWB), then after he turned me down, rescinding the offer. After he turned me down, I told him point-blank, a couple times, that we wouldn’t be having sex. I did not lie. I didn’t let him believe that he had a chance of having sex with me. I told him that my waistline was the boundary and we would not be crossing it.
Honestly, I don’t know what more I could’ve done to be more open with him. I don’t see how he can accuse me of being a tease when I was very clear about the fact that we would not be having sex. Yeah, I have very strong feelings about this and I’m very mad about it. I am most definitely not a tease. He was there too, participating in our make out sessions just as fully as I was, even after being told I wouldn’t have sex with him.
Mostly though, whatever we had, whether it was a friendship or FWPB (Friends with Partial Benefits), ultimately it ended because of Sean’s inability to be reliable. His disappearing with no word to me for a week or two at a time was just too much for me to bear. I give more to my friends and I expect more from them.
I am sad that I lost a friend out of it, but I know that I’m better off this way. It still hurts but I’ll be ok.