Mad At Myself
Since the wreck (I just got it in my head to refuse to call it an accident since it was negligent – she clearly wasn’t paying attention!), I’ve been irrationally angry at Sean. He is the first person I called when it happened. I had asked Serenity who she’d rather I call, him or his mom and she said him. He didn’t answer the phone, so I called his mom.
She called a few times in the next few days to check on me but he never did. He never called to find out why I called him that night. He hasn’t called to make sure the kids and I are ok, nothing. After our last conversation, where he said we could still be friends and I said I didn’t think we could, I at least expected him to call and check on us. Nope. Nothing.
I’ve been sitting here being angry at him for not caring enough to check on us. It was just as I was getting dressed for the day that I realized I’m not angry at him so much as I’m very angry at myself. I have no right to be mad at him.
I’m angry because it is my own fault we are no longer friends. I knew, absolutely knew, after that first kiss that I should’ve stopped it. I knew that we could never be together in the way he wanted and I knew I was going to lose a friend out of it. Deep down, I knew but it felt so good that, at that moment (and all the others that followed) I simply didn’t care. I was selfish because I wanted that physical rush. I wanted the forgetfulness that kissing Sean caused. Now I’m kicking myself because I threw away a friend for a short-term high.
I’m also angry at myself that I still want him to come over and make me forget. Serenity said she saw him out in the yard the other day, kissing some woman. I’m feeling angry about that. For as much as he said he wanted a relationship with me and wouldn’t sleep with me because he wanted so much more, it sure didn’t take him long to move on. Am I so easy to forget? Am I so easy to just move on from? Let’s see….Bubba had a girlfriend before we were even divorced. Sean moves on less than a week after we have our final chat. I’m starting to see a pattern here.
I have so much to work through right now that I’m going to shelve dealing with the fact that this situation with Sean is all my fault. It is my bed and I don’t feel like laying in it right now. I’d rather be angry with Sean because it is easier.
I’ll deal with the fact that I’m responsible for it some other day.