A Knight in Shining Armor

I want to be weak.  I want a knight in shining armor to show up and rescue me.  I want someone to come fix this.

I hate that I want that.  I hate that I want to be weak.  I hate that I want some nameless, faceless man to come in and just take care of me.  I don’t want to be weak.

I was joking with Luke about running away last night.  He said we’d leave today.  Oh, how I wish that was true.  I dream of running away…of just giving the kids to Bubba and leaving.  He always thought he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders and I know that simply isn’t true.  He’s never had sole responsibility for these three lives before.  Sure, he takes them for two months in the summer but it isn’t the same.  He isn’t making sure they get to school and counseling appointments and friends’ houses.  He isn’t making sure they have a diet of healthy foods or enough play time outside.  He’s fun-time vacation dad.

Now that he’s being forced to pay child support (hooray for child support enforcement agencies!), a little of the pressure is off of me.  It just seem that everything is happening at once, yet again.  I can hear the Ghosts of Abuses Past whispering that this is my punishment, this is what I deserve, this is what I get.  I know those voices are wrong yet I still hear them.  I haven’t totally eradicated those voices.

I know I’m not healthy enough to even think about looking for a man right now yet I still want one in my life.  Someone to provide that good male role model that my kids need.  Someone to shower me with the kind of love that I deserved all those years with Bubba but never received.  Someone to take the lonelies away.

I hate that I feel this weak.  I hate that I somehow think a man would make it all better.  I hate that I feel like I need a man.  I can do this alone.  Aren’t I already proving that?  But I think Endellion would remind me that we aren’t meant to walk this journey of life by ourselves.  God meant us to have a mate, someone to help us carry our burdens.

Yeah, I’m at war with  myself again.

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2 Comments

  1. Glad for you the childsupport’s coming through. You’re not weak. You are much stronger than you think. I too believe God did mean for us to have a mate. Guess it’s one of my problem areas when I have trouble sorting out how all of it’s supposed to work. I’ve given up on praying for patience, though it’s probably what I need. I just wish God would give me a little understanding on why things are the way they are. Everyone says things like “…In God’s timing” and “He’s got a plan”. I have the faith to know He has the answers, but I wish He’d give me just a clue.

    • I hate those trite little comments that people say when they mean well but really have NO clue. It trivializes what you are going through and really offers nothing tangible. It just helps them feel better that they said something kind then they can move on. I really appreciated when my friends heard my complaints and simply said, “That sucks!” Why, yes, it really does suck!

      And yes, I’d love for God to just say, “Hope, this is what is going to happen. Things are going to be fine.” And then He’d lay out His marvelous plan. Wouldn’t that be nice?

      I really don’t think we’re meant to do this on our own. I was just royally shafted in the mate department the first time around. I’m not sure there will be a second time because I’m still working through my issues about how I view marriage, but I’m hopeful.

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