A Knight in Shining Armor
I want to be weak. I want a knight in shining armor to show up and rescue me. I want someone to come fix this.
I hate that I want that. I hate that I want to be weak. I hate that I want some nameless, faceless man to come in and just take care of me. I don’t want to be weak.
I was joking with Luke about running away last night. He said we’d leave today. Oh, how I wish that was true. I dream of running away…of just giving the kids to Bubba and leaving. He always thought he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders and I know that simply isn’t true. He’s never had sole responsibility for these three lives before. Sure, he takes them for two months in the summer but it isn’t the same. He isn’t making sure they get to school and counseling appointments and friends’ houses. He isn’t making sure they have a diet of healthy foods or enough play time outside. He’s fun-time vacation dad.
Now that he’s being forced to pay child support (hooray for child support enforcement agencies!), a little of the pressure is off of me. It just seem that everything is happening at once, yet again. I can hear the Ghosts of Abuses Past whispering that this is my punishment, this is what I deserve, this is what I get. I know those voices are wrong yet I still hear them. I haven’t totally eradicated those voices.
I know I’m not healthy enough to even think about looking for a man right now yet I still want one in my life. Someone to provide that good male role model that my kids need. Someone to shower me with the kind of love that I deserved all those years with Bubba but never received. Someone to take the lonelies away.
I hate that I feel this weak. I hate that I somehow think a man would make it all better. I hate that I feel like I need a man. I can do this alone. Aren’t I already proving that? But I think Endellion would remind me that we aren’t meant to walk this journey of life by ourselves. God meant us to have a mate, someone to help us carry our burdens.
Yeah, I’m at war with myself again.