How Much Worse Can It Get?

Note to the Universe:  This is NOT a challenge.  Really, it isn’t.

I was in a car accident the other day.  Thankfully, all I have is whiplash.  Well, that isn’t entirely accurate.  I’m an emotional wreck right now.  I’m very short-tempered, I’m on the verge of tears constantly.  Work is hell right now because every time the phone rings (and that happens about 35 times a day – no joke) I want to rip it out of the wall and throw it across the room.

Honestly, I don’t know how much more I can handle.  When do I just snap and just totally lose it?  Do I even have that point?  You see, I don’t think I do because I have children who depend on me.  If I give in to the demons who are nipping at my heels, my children suffer.  Right now I’m viewing this as a case of fighting to survive.  If I don’t survive, don’t fight this darkness that is trying to take over, I lose my kids.  I will NOT lose my kids.

This leads me to think that I really don’t think I have that snapping point because I’ve already snapped.  I’ve been so utterly broken in the past that I still feel that anything I go through is still better than where I’ve been.  Endellion is actually trying to suss this out for me and I can’t wait until her thoughts gel and she can write it out.

The children are at each other’s throats constantly.  I don’t know if they are feeding off of my energy or what is going on.  All I know is that they are being downright cruel to each other.  Serenity sat down with Liam last night and told him that he’s acting just like Bubba.  He actually agreed and he hates that he is acting like this.  He doesn’t want to act like this and I don’t know how to help him.  I told him that this would be something good to discuss with his counselor.

Liam told me, while we were talking last night, that he thinks he needs a girlfriend.  I told him absolutely not because if he is treating everyone else this way, he’ll treat a girlfriend even worse.  I don’t think I explained why, but I told him that he could not have a girlfriend right now.

I’m just so tired.  I know I need a break.  I just don’t see how I’m going to get the kind of break I need for quite some time yet.

If ever.


  1. Michelle

    I’m sorry 😦

  2. Sorry and hope peace will come your way soon. Just appreciate and desperately look for the little bits of it in everyday life. Yep, I often say, “I’m not Job” from the Bible. It feels like it often though, because it seems every time I think nothing else bad can possibly happen, it does. I write in a journal and it seems to help some, but I’m thinking of starting a separate journal. A journal just for the good stuff and only positive thoughts…everything and anything from a scripture verse, quote, or saying on a tea bag…whatever will help me hang on and see a bit of light in the darkness.


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