Acceptance

The past few days have been a study in acceptance.  Acceptance is something I’ve always struggled with, probably because I was always too busy trying to buck the system to ever accept the system as it was.  When I look back on that now, I was right to do so because the system I was in was profoundly broken.  I thank God that He gave me a spirit of non-acceptance during “those” years and since I left Bubba.  That spirit of non-acceptance has gotten me through so many things.

Now, however, I find myself at a strange place for me; a place of acceptance.  It has been a long, hard struggle and I’ve fought tooth and nail against it.  It is time for acceptance to reign in my life.

First, I accept that I’m simply not ready for a man in my life.  When I swore to remain manless a couple of months ago, I went at it from a bad attitude perspective.  I was not ok with where things stood with Luke and I thought remaining manless would be a great way to protect my heart.  It was a defensive move on my part.  We all know the Universe simply laughed at me and sent me Sean.

Now, I’ve accepted that I’m not ready for a man in my life.  I’ve accepted that I’m simply not healthy enough to look for and find a healthy man.  If I ever hope to find a man worthy of me (and vice versa), I need to be in a place of health.  I need to know that I will feel confident being me and expressing myself and communicating!  I’m not in that place right now.  If I want a good relationship with a man someday, I really need to work more on healing.  The massive amounts of PTSD that were brought up in those weeks with Sean just showed me how much more I need to work on.

Second, I’ve accepted that there is no one else to “tag in” for me with the kids when I’m just too tired or worn out to do it anymore.  I am a single-parent.  Even if I get to a point where there is a man in my life and we’re in a healthy relationship, I can’t expect him to jump in and try to parent my kids.  That will always be solely on me.  As horrible as he is to them, the children already have a father.  I’m continuing to pray that he gets help and that one day he’ll be worthy of that title but I know that no other man will replace what Bubba should be in their lives.  I can’t realistically expect to find a co-parent when I get involved with a man someday.

I will look at any relationship I may have someday as a good male role model for the kids.  Hopefully, he will be someone they can grow to trust and respect.  Hopefully, they will look to each other as family, even if it isn’t from a father/child perspective.  (This brings up big feelings about the term “step-father”, remind me to write about that later if I don’t remember.)

Third, I’ve accepted the fact that all the nasty parts of being a single mom are things that I have to do alone.  I have to drive the kids to visitation.  I dread that because it is a long drive.  Doing it alone has always been horrible for me.  I’ve changed my attitude.  I’m going to take a voice recorder with me and make notes of things I can write about.  I’m going to listen to my music at full blast and sing along.  I’m going to learn to enjoy my own company again.

When a child gets sick or needs to see the doctor, it falls on me to take care of them.  I’m so thankful that I have a handful of friends willing to shuttle the kids to their counseling appointments.  That is different because their counselor does not talk to me about their sessions, so my presence isn’t required.  I’m grateful to these wonderful women because they help me get the kids the help they need to continue healing.  But when it comes to the medical doctor, dentist, eye doctor, those appointments are on me.  I only pray that my boss continues to be understanding.

Lastly, I’ve accepted me.  I’m still totally fucked up and that is OK!  I haven’t stopped the healing journey.  I think I got massively side-tracked for a bit with Sean, but even that is being used to learn and grow now.  It showed me that I have so much left to work on and that it is ok that I’m not healed yet.  I like who I am.  I like even more who I’m becoming each day.

Being in a place of acceptance is a new thing for me.  I’m totally loving it!

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