Feeling Better and an AHA! Moment

I started taking sam-e a couple of weeks ago to see if it would help with my mood.  I’d started suspecting I might be getting to the point where depression was an issue and I wanted to try sam-e before I rushed out to the doctor for anti-depressants.  Then things went downhill fast.  I attributed it to Sean disappearing on me again and knew that the depression was bad enough that I needed to call my doctor.

I mentioned to Endellion that I was feeling worse and just pondered whether the sam-e could be making it worse.  She said, “YES!  It always makes me feel so much worse!”  I haven’t taken it in 3 days and feel a huge difference in my ability to cope with everything going on in my life.  I’m still not convinced that I don’t need a doctor to prescribe me an anti-depressant but I don’t feel it is an emergent case right now.  I don’t yet have health insurance so getting in to see a doctor and being able to pay for it is just not something I want to do at this point.

I also got to thinking today about what is going on in my life that may be making me feel better, more even-keeled.  The answer hit me like a ton of bricks.  I feel freer and lighter now than I have since Sean first kissed me.  I haven’t seen him in 12 days and have only talked to him for any length of time once during that time.  That conversation happened the other day when I put closure on this and decided that I need to just move on.

I felt this clear headed about a week after I stopped texting with Luke.  Now it’s been 12 days and I feel clear headed again.  I needed space from Luke because I was too attached and needed to get some space for some perspective.  I need space from Sean because he is not good for me.

Right after I told Luke I needed a break, I’d decided to remain manless for a year. Well, I learned that when you announce stuff like that the universe will laugh at you and send someone to kiss you.  We all know how that went, don’t we?  Yet, here am I, once again, announcing that I’m planning to remain manless.  I’m also saying this while giving the universe the stink eye, so it doesn’t get any ideas.

I’m to the point now where I’m able to have a conversation with Luke again and just take it for what it is – two old friends keeping in touch.  I’m at peace with where we are.  I’ll get to the point where I’m at peace with being a polite neighbor to Sean.  I don’t think we’ll ever be friends and we lost something that cannot be recovered but I’m going to be ok with that.

For now, I know that the healthiest place for me to be is by myself.  No, there will be no one to take away The Lonelies when they strike.  No, there will be no one to “tag in” with Shane when I need a break.  No, there will be no one to help me out in the day-to-day grind of being the one who has to do it all.  But I’m ok with that.  Because, in exchange, I get sole decision making power in how I parent, I get to be responsible for my own happiness, I get to learn more about me.

The more time I put in to healing now, the better chance I have at having a successful relationship with a man sometime in the future.  I think that is worth waiting for, worth working on me for.

It will be time well spent.

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3 Comments

  1. I hope you find some healthcare soon. I’m glad to be able to say I finally am on the way to it myself. There is a sliding scale place in town and for an amount less than $10 I can be seen. The only trouble is I have to wait till the end of June unless there’s a cancellation. Oh, well…I’ve waited this long, but it feels good to be on the way.

    • That is wonderful! At least there is an end in sight to you being without something you desperately need.

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