Closure and Irony

Since Sean just disappeared on me again well over a week ago, I’ve been yearning for closure.  I was over at his house over the weekend to see Andy and once again, Sean and I circled each other and barely interacted.  His mom said he was in a lot of pain and is always grumpy when he is in pain but still….

I’ve been trying to find a way to talk to him about what’s going on and the fact that I really can’t do this anymore.  The opportunity came yesterday.

I went to the mailbox since I haven’t gotten my mail in over a week and found a letter from Celia there.  I was halfway across the yard when I got to it (there was a lot of mail!) and I simply froze.  I just stood in the middle of my yard, wondering what kind of vile ick this one was going to contain.  I had a moment of hysteria in the middle of it all to hope that this was the letter telling me how very wrong she’d be, but that thought was fleeting and passed quickly.  No, I know Celia so I know this wasn’t going to be anything good.

I texted Sean and told him I got a letter from her and that I miss my friend and don’t understand what is going on right now.   He ignored the me again, so I called Endellion on Skype and I read the letter to her.

Celia said she wanted closure but she wanted to have her say.  The entire letter was one large manipulative guilt trip about how horrible I am and how she wants her kind and loving Hope back one day.  She took absolutely no responsibility for her part in any of this, just blamed me and my “friends” (and yes, she put “friends” in quotation marks).  She tore me down and she tore down my “friends.”  But I guess she got her closure.

Then Sean called.  (And that opens up another can of worms.  He got this text and he responded.  What about all of my other texts right after he disappeared?  Yeah, he just showed that he purposely ignored them because he *will* respond to a text when he chooses to.) I almost fell out of my chair.  He wanted to know why I didn’t understand what was going on right now.  I told him the last I heard from him was that Friday night, as he was leaving, he said he’d bring his nasal spray the next night so that he wouldn’t snore.  Silly me took that to mean HE’D BE BACK THE NEXT NIGHT!  I didn’t hear from him again after that.  He gave a nervous chuckle then asked about the letter from Celia.

I told him about it and he said he’d really like to write to her and tell her that he took the letter away from me and wouldn’t give it to me because I didn’t need that type of manipulation and guilt in my life.  He said all the right things.  He was upset on my behalf.  Yet, I can’t help but think that it is too little, too late.

I then said, “So, why did you disappear on me again?  I saw how you did that, avoiding the question.  Did you really think I was going to let you get away with that?”  He then told me that he didn’t disappear on me, that he just doesn’t like to be teased to all hell and back, but we can still be friends.  I was stunned.  I asked him why he didn’t tell me about this instead of just disappearing on me.  He didn’t have a good answer for that.  It was a rather awkward conversation.

I got off the phone and realized the irony of what just happened.  Celia tried for closure but she will never truly get it because I will not respond to this letter.  There is nothing in there worth responding to as it was meant to shame me back into my place in the family.  I’m not interested in going back to that, thank you very much.  I, however, got closure.  Sean and I are done.  From his standpoint, he says we can still be friends.  From mine, we can’t.  I expect my friends to mean what they say and say what they mean.  I expect my friends to be where they say they are going to be and not flake on me a few times a month.  I demand that of myself and I expect it from my friends.

It is time to begin mourning the loss of a friend.  It is time to once again mourn the family I thought I had.  Grief is a bitch and tends to cycle back around and I was just sucked back into it.

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