Someone Throw Me a Life Preserver

Yes, I definitely feel like I’m drowning.  I can’t save myself and the current is just getting stronger and stronger and I’m getting pulled under more and more.  I need a life preserver.

I called the doctor today and they were closed.  Ugh!  I’m finally to the point where I felt ready to ask for help and they aren’t in today?  Now I have to remember to call tomorrow.  I couldn’t even remember to take my vitamins today.

I’m at the point where I feel like I’m under spiritual attack.  Which, if I think about it, makes perfect sense.  Satan is usually quiet until something momentous is underway.  He attacked in huge ways before each and every court date.  Now, it feels like he is having a party at my expense.

Things with Sean are in a weird place where we just aren’t speaking.  I don’t know what happened.  I’m totally lost as to what happened.

I am finally admitting that I am probably depressed and trying to seek out medical help for that.

I made the first step to start working through the spiritual abuse and get back into church.  I met with the preacher and have decided to start attending her new Bible study.

Yep, it is time for my life to be the devil’s playground.  Want to know how I know this?

I got a letter from my mom, Celia, today.  I haven’t opened it; I’m too scared.  Right now I’m trying to decide if I want to call Sean to come over and sit with me while I read it because I really don’t think I’m strong enough to do it on my own.  I’m torn.  We’re in such a weird place and I hate to call him when it is like this but what if this opens up a line of communication between us?  What if it makes it so much worse?

I need help.  I know that.  That is what I’m hoping the doctor can do.  But I need help beyond that.  I need practical help.  I know that isn’t going to happen.  I don’t have someone in my life to “tag in” when I’m just too burned out to do it anymore.  I don’t have a day-to-day partner to carry life’s burdens with me.

And now I don’t have someone to hold me while I open this letter from Celia.  Sure, I can call Endellion and read it to her over Skype but it isn’t the same as having someone right here.

I need a life preserver.  I don’t know how much longer I can tread water and fight the current.

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2 Comments

  1. Michelle

    I’m sorry you are struggling Hope. I know it all too well. Other than my cyber friends, I am alone. Its hard. I will be praying for you. I read your blog daily and enjoy it. Hang in there.

    • Thank you for reading!

      I think feeling alone is one of the worst aspects of all of this. It just eats at the soul.

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