Once Again, Endellion FTW
I finally talked to Endellion about suspecting that I’m depressed. Yes, I’ve felt so miserable for the past couple of days that I didn’t even want to talk to Endellion about it. That, I think, is when I started to scare myself. She read what I wrote here about thinking it is time to admit that I might need some help and she offered these wise words:
“You know, darling, you’ve worked so hard for so long, and you’ve accomplished so much. and you’ve done it through sheer determination. Just unmitigated bullheaded (in a good way) git-er-done-ness. Maybe it’s time to grow a cocoon around yourself and just rest. Let time, and the inevitable forces in your DNA transform you into who you are to become.
Maybe that’s why it’s getting darker. You’re spinning your cocoon, preparing to change.”
I replied, “How do I rest? I’ve been trying to and just can’t figure out how. That is why I got into this with Sean because when he touched me, I could just rest. My brain shut down.”
So, I’m back to asking, “How do I just rest?” Will taking anti-depressants help with that? I finally called Endellion and talked to her about it. I asked her why this is happening now? Why after all this time is it just seeming to be too much to handle? I’ve handled it on my own just fine until now, through that unmitigated bullheadedness. What has changed?
Endellion figured it out. Through everything that happened, all the stuff I just had to power through with sheer determination, I wasn’t feeling it. My emotions were disconnected, they hadn’t come on-line yet. I had Fluffy to feed. I was powering through everything from a very practical standpoint.
Now though, now I’m healed enough that the feelings are being felt and they are quite overwhelming, I can’t just power through them. I can’t will myself to feel better. I keep telling myself that there is no shame in that, no failure. Maybe if I keep telling myself this and my friends keep telling me this, I might start to believe them.
I’m so very glad I have Endellion. She is a Master of reframing negative thoughts into positives. She never allows me to say bad, shameful things about myself. She corrects my wrong thinking; the thinking planted and nurtured by my family.
Right now it is okay to be in the place that I’m in. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to admit that I can’t do this on my own because humans are not meant to do things on their own. Tomorrow, I will call the doctor. I will reach out for help. Hopefully, once I start taking some anti-depressants, I’ll be able to convince myself that Endellion is right (yet again!). Right now, I know that my own thinking cannot be trusted because it is coming from a very dark place.
I will intentionally choose to think that Endellion is right, even though, at this point, I truly don’t believe her.