Tentatively Texting Again

Luke texted me a couple of weeks ago. It was a celebratory text that I think may have been sent to everyone in his contacts. At first, I didn’t know what to do with that. Do I respond? Do I ignore?

After agonizing over it for a few minutes, I decided to respond. We had a nice little conversation and I felt really good about it. There were no angsty feelings about texting him. It was just like saying hi to a dear, old friend again.

The next day, I decided to say hello to him again. We had another nice little text conversation and it felt good.

We’d had six weeks of no contact and during that time all the stuff with Sean had been happening so things have now been put into perspective for me. I feel like I got a little taste of what it must’ve been like being on the other side of Friends With Benefits (FWB) – the side that didn’t involve all the big feelings. I can kind of see where Luke was coming from now and that helps.

During the past two weeks, we’ve texted less than a handful of times. They are usually, just a “Hi, how are you?” type of thing. I miss talking to him but it isn’t ripping my heart out anymore.

I’ve also come to realize that the little flame of hope in my that maybe someday we’ll end up together has not and will not be put out. There is something in me that still yearns for Luke and I think it might always be that way. Maybe I’m just stubborn and refuse to accept the truth. Maybe there is something to it. Who knows?

I’m ok where we are. It took six weeks to figure it out but I’m at peace about Luke. He’s where he needs to be right now and I’m where I need to be right now. The hope that in five or ten years or whenever we might cross paths and realize we can’t stand to be apart anymore will live quietly buried in the depths of my heart.

Right now I need to figure out how to calm down what is going on with Sean and I need to start going out and having fun. Serenity introduced me to her friend’s mom who is divorced too, so I hope to have a new friend. I need to expand my horizons.

I need to live.

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