Letting Myself Be Hurt

“Hey babe, I was thinking of you saying “Why am I letting this hurt me, when I know this is the way it is?” We don’t have a choice to hurt or not hurt. ((hug)) Honey, you aren’t ‘letting’ yourself be hurt by anything. Having a friend disappear on you over and over IS hurtful. It will hurt whoever is waiting. It just will. If someone pinches me, I don’t say, ‘oh now why did I let that hurt me it was only a little pinch!?’ Pinches hurt! I can’t stop it hurting me. What Sean is doing HURTS people, not just you. I’m guessing it keeps him pretty lonely. You don’t have to say, ‘what’s wrong with me, this shouldn’t hurt me!’ If it hurts, it hurts. Being blown off does hurt.”

Those wise words are from Endellion. Throughout this whole experience with Sean, I’ve been saying, “Why am I letting this hurt me?  I know this is who he is.  I know he will blow me off and forget about me.  So why do I continue to let it hurt me?”  It was really bothering me that I was getting hurt over and over when Sean would just disappear on me after making plans with me.

Endellion has been trying to get me to just feel my feelings and I’ve been fighting them because I do not feel that I have a right to them.  I don’t have a right to be hurt because I should expect Sean to be Sean. It’s like the definition of insanity – repeating the same actions while expecting a different result.  My insanity does not give me the right to feel hurt in this situation.  I should know better.

Then Endellion sent me the above in an email.  It makes sense to me now.  Let’s take it one step further and compare this to Shane when he was at the height of his raging.

Each time he would rage, I would have to restrain him so that he couldn’t hurt himself, his siblings, or me.  Even when he was a couple of years younger than he is now, he was very strong when he was raging.  Each time I had to restrain him, it was inevitable that I would be hurt by flailing arms and legs.  Not once did I stop and tell myself that I didn’t have a right to feel the pain of the blows because I knew this was who Shane was.  Physically, I was going to get hurt when he raged because that is the nature of the beast.  It was not insane to continue to restrain him during these times because it was my job to keep everyone safe.

Now let’s translate that into what is going on with Sean.  I think, deep down, I’m an optimist.  I think that when people know better, they do better.  Sean and I talked a week ago about him disappearing on me and he said he wouldn’t do it again.  Was it insanity to believe him?  No.  I’d finally told him that it hurt me when he made plans with me then disappeared.  I was optimistic that now that he knew exactly how I felt, he would do better.

For whatever reason (I still haven’t been able to talk to him about it), he wasn’t able to do better and he blew me off again.  Of course that is going to hurt.  I am allowed to feel hurt.  As Endellion said, “Having a friend disappear on you over and over IS hurtful.”

I think the bigger question here is, “Why do I feel like I need to give myself permission to feel hurt?”  I shouldn’t need to allow myself to feel.  I should just feel.  There are still so many layers of onion to peel away and this just seems to be another of them.  For four decades feelings weren’t safe.  They had to be tightly guarded and hidden.  Now that I’m free to feel what I do, it goes against everything I’ve ever believed about feelings.  I simply can’t assimilate this new reality.  Yet.

I think I need to print out “Acknowledge, Accept, Await” and hang it in various places around the house.  I think I need that daily reminder because I’m still finding myself getting stuck at “Acknowledge.”

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