I’ve Changed My Mind!
I’ve changed my mind. I don’t think I want to get married again. I’ve really been thinking about it a lot lately, with everything that has been going on with Sean, and I just can’t see myself ever going through that again.
First, I think I still have a very distorted view of what marriage is. I still view it as a man getting ownership papers of me. I know that isn’t right but that is how I view it right now. I see it as a loss of freedom. I fought hard for my freedom and I’m not willing to give it up.
Second, I don’t believe in love anymore. I don’t believe in that great, romantic, I-can’t-stand-to-be-without-you love. Or maybe I believe in it for other people but not for myself. I simply don’t know. I do know that I’m not interested in finding out.
Third, having such a different parenting style, I don’t think I’ll be able to find a man who is going to agree with the way I parent. This probably isn’t accurate but all I’ve known since I began this gentle discipline journey is the disparaging remarks from Bubba and the FOO about how wrong I am. The FOO would constantly tell me that I needed to spank the kids and that I didn’t was the reason that Shane acted the way he did. He was already a violent child and violence begets violence. Shane learned the violence from his father. Giving him more violence in the form of spanking (which I consider hitting) would only complicate the situation more.
Last, I’m scared. I hate that fear still has such a hold on me. I’m afraid of opening myself and being vulnerable. I’m afraid to trust again. I’m afraid to let down my force fields and take off my armor plating. I’m too afraid to risk myself again.
So, I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to get married again. I’m going to get my kids raised and on their own then I’m going to live for myself.
I’m going to take myself to Fiji.